On The Stage

XXIV

Once I was escorted to my chamber, the man in charge of my stay at the castle informed me that just before Wilhelm's audience with the king, the man would come to pick me up to escort me to the castle's front gates. With a slight smile on my lips and my eyes swollen from crying, I merely nodded. Then the man said to me uncertainly that if I had any wishes then all I had to do was ask him. At first I wanted to refuse, but after that from my lips with literally the lightness of a feather floating on the wind I said:

- I'll have a bottle of whiskey and a pack of cigarettes.

The man squirmed at my request, but after a while he just asked if I had any particular kind of alcohol and cigarettes in mind. I denied it, of course. It could have been anything.

It was probably midnight by now. I was lying on the floor with my legs stretched out on the bed, drinking alcohol from the bottle, which was penetrating my body and burning my throat. Since I had also asked for cigarettes, I decided that it would be a shame not to use them, too. I didn't count how many cigarettes I had already smoked. But I was not a boor and even though I smoked in such a historical room as my chamber, I shook the ash from the cigarettes I smoked into a crystal ashtray. I played music from my phone, which from time to time was interrupted by the sound of a bell. All the time someone tried to call me, but I had nothing to talk about. So I disconnected notifications and when that wasn't enough, I put the phone on airplane mode.

The sound of the song "It's Raining Men" was just coming out of my phone. Tears, however, were raining from my eyes. I stopped smiling stupidly. I lost any positive thoughts. This really was the end, the ultimate end. And even though I was certain that I had lost after dancing "It's a Bleeding Swan," that little bit of smoke that still smoldered within me gave me a microscopic feeling of hope that was now gone. All my effort, all my nerves and commitment that I poured into my passion for dance were for nothing. For nothing. Not only had I not saved Kevin's college or Gregory's job, but I had also dashed my dream of becoming a professional dancer. For the rest of my life, all of the professionals would be reminding me that not only did I lose a prestigious competition, but during the ongoing finals, the king himself walked out to avoid watching what I was doing on stage. I also lost my honor. I swore Gregory would get his job back and Kevin would get his college degree. I swore that I would help them and succeed because, after all, there was no other alternative. I betrayed Rayan, who blandly deserved it. I betrayed the person who had done so much for me. It really was the end. The end of everything. My end.

I knew that now I would have to live in a question mark. I could only dream black scenarios, but I didn't want to do it anymore. My head was already empty, my heart devoid of emotions. I just wanted to lie down and cry, to think of nothing else but to shed all the tears that had been hiding inside me all this time. How is this all supposed to look now? I don't know, I don't want to know. I took another sip of whiskey and lit another cigarette. The scratching in my throat didn't bother me so much anymore. It didn't matter to me whether I would get drunk until I died or whether in the morning the castle staff would have to carry me out of my chamber and forcibly throw me on the pavement in front of the gates. I didn't care whether journalists would take pictures of me or not. Nothing worse could happen to me. I was finished. Everything was finished. I just wanted to drink and smoke.

Although alcohol didn't improve my mood, it made everything easier for me. The smouldering cigarette smoke calmed me down a little, soothed my nerves. Maybe it's time to start smoking more regularly? If this is some way to deal with yourself, maybe it's worth considering? In this aspect, I began to understand Luna and Aurelia. The older she-wolf dealt with the demons of her own life by smoking. Aurelia, too, as much as she abused alcohol from a young age. It's known that in the long run, those stimulants will more than compensate for what they gave, but maybe I don't have to smoke at all for the rest of my life. Maybe I should try it for a while? Until I calm down and get some peace and quiet. Everyone finds an escape from their lives somewhere. The girls found that escape in stimulants, Gregory in the arms of Rebecca Blanc, Apolonia in the abuse of others. Even Kevin found his drug of choice to escape. That drug was me. Why should I fool myself? The boy's really in love with me, and he'd give me the heave-ho just to be happy with him. Maybe I should make him my stimulant too? Maybe I should kick Rayan in the ass and forget about him? Maybe, maybe that was a reasonable solution.