why am I closed like a cocoon?

rant 2

A/N so i wrote something for you all to cry to.

You know I once thought that someone would come up to me and say that they know about me aching and falling apart behind those smiles but no one ever did. They believed my fake laughs, the smiles that never reached my eyes and turn into a grin. I cried as my tears dried out long ago to fall anymore. I wished to be numb from feeling, but when I feel numb it hurt me more than feelings ever did. I felt so much that I started to feel nothing cause I didn't know how it was to not feel. No one knows how much I cry each day inside me. No one ever came up to me to ask about my scars. My battle wounds. I didn't need a superhero to save me but someone to be there for me. A person who wouldn't lie to me that everything will be fine. I wanted someone to hug me while I cry and give me a shoulder to lean on. Someone who wouldn't tell me that it's all fairies and unicorns but tell me that the reality is blood and scars and give me strength to survive it all. I don't hate feelings, I hate what they do to me. I hate getting flashbacks of what the other person did to me while I laugh with them. I hate that my brain seems to never forget to remind me what could happen if I love but my hurting heart just wants to feel. Anything. The hurt my heart endured made hurt normal. It wanted to feel not hurt. I was alone. Not physically but mentally. No one was in insight as I stared at the abandoned alley known as my thoughts. No one wanted to get to know them. Just because I carried it all like it's nothing and smiled doesn't mean it didn't hurt. It tore me apart. I cry sometimes without a reason, cause it's been damn too long that I have to hold it in. I want to scream and tell people I'm hurting. The worst part about was that I didn't know what to be happy about anymore. I said I'm fine so you just left me? Nobody noticed how hard I try every day to hold back my tears. How I screamed every day in the bathroom without a noise. An empty scream was all I could do as I looked at my tear-streaked face in the mirror. My pillow know the untold story that nobody tried to know about as I fell asleep with the last sob that resonated in my ear.