"Aarav. You can open your eyes."
I will not. I must not. As i knew where I was and like always where it would end. Priya and i were sitting at the school emergency staircase. We had bunked our library period for my birthday.
"Aarav. Stop messing around. Open your eyes."
"Okay. I am going to open my eyes. The gift better be awesome."
No, you damn moron. Don't. It's an Aurora Borealis jigsaw puzzle. You are going to love it. Yay. Just don't open your eyes.
But i opened my eyes anyway and found myself beside her body lying there in front of me with her right hand clasping on to mine.
Everything will be fine. I am here.
"That's all I remember." I said to Dr. Singh. "Sometimes i feel trapped in my nightmares. Every memory I have with her comes to life there and reminds me of her death." He put his pen down into the middle and closed his diary. "What do you think it all means?" I asked. I was sitting in a single sofa opposite to his. My watch was striking almost 12. But our session wasn't over. Not yet.
"Only you know the answer to that question." I could feel my left eyebrow twitch. It usually happened when I would get annoyed. Which happened plenty of times. Especially here. And he knew this because I had told him so. "But i do have a question for you."
"Okay. Ask away." I spoke. I wanted to know what wisdom was he about to drop on me this time in the form of a question. His wisdom used to make me think a lot. Mentally it was stimulating. But not emotionally.
"Why are you so afraid of Priya?"
"What? I am not afraid of Priya. Why would I be? This is ridiculous." I stood up and was about to leave.
"Okay fine. Don't leave. Just wait." His left hand gestured me to take my seat. Then he pulled out a prescription pad from his blazer inside pocket.
"I don't need a refill. Maybe next week." My stupidity became known to me seconds after those words left my mouth. He was quiet. So, I went ahead to exit the tense room. My hand reached for the door knob.
"Have you stopped taking your medication?"
I turned around to face him. He didn't even look at me. He now had his diary opened on his lap as he scribbled something in it. On some days I felt like breaking into his office and stealing that diary. What did he even write in there about me? Surely, he must have thought that I was nuts. But I wouldn't have been here if I weren't.
"Aarav, have a seat." He said with authority as he gestured towards the sofa in front.
"Why have you stopped taking your medication?" He looked me in the eye.
Because your so-called medication didn't get me rid of my nightmares nor did it help in overcoming the memories and the anxiety causing thoughts as side-effects was the worse. There was no peace of mind for me.
You had agreed that I was getting better and sometimes worse but you continued to write me the same prescription irrespective of the change. It was like you wanted to see how long I could last. And I knew that the medication has helped in reducing the severity of my situation. But I felt like the suffering was static. As if there was no end.
"I didn't like how it made me feel." I replied.
"From what I remember. You practically shouted at me to write you a prescription that day. What changed since then?"
"Umm..." I cleared my throat. "I saw her every night, when I took the medication. So, I took a break from medication one day. And that day was very peaceful. I had no anxiety attack. No dissociated state. And no side effects. Nothing. I was happy for the first time."
