Smaller Things

Should I, or should I not?

There are those people whom you are so drawn to without even realizing it... they give off a sexy bad-boy/girl/other vibes and it kinda clicks with you. You like them even though you know you shouldn't... Rita was such a person... She had chopped boys cut, fringes covering her eyes; her lips were plump and red on their own. To me, her eyes were a darker shade of the mahogany bark. They were beautiful. When I was dating Jessica, Rita gave me a lot of relationship advice which actually helped. We were never really friends- just classmates... her friends were not mine and neither were my friends in her circle... but as we grew up in the same school, our friends changed and then by the end of secondary school we were in the same section. Then this quarantine period started and our last year of secondary school was totally online.
Jess and I broke up... mmm... cuz our relationship was more like friendship and my one sided love.
The first person I told this to were of course Shelley, Karen and Mickey. Shelley was happy, Karen was disappointed and Mickey was... neutral. Then idk why, I told Rita... she was understanding. She acknowledged our reasons and her opinions seemed quite valuable to me.
Rita is a funny person. She is good in her academics, she can crack nice dark humor jokes, she has the audacity to bash bad politicians (another reason I like her), knows a lot about sex and sexual matters and has an extremely nice heart which is often misused and hurt by her close ones. But she also opened up to us... we talked a lot about many different things in our group chats and sometimes in our dms... I grew fond of her. Her texts always stirred me- it could make me extremely angry or extremely pleased... it made feel her pain or happiness or frustration...
But there were things I didn't like in her too- her radicalism and her past. Her past as in what I had heard from others. But as the days flurred by, it didn't really matter to me. I was still afraid of her radicalism but didn't dislike it... at all...
Then 1.5 years passed by, things got a bit normal and we were able to get out of our houses, stretch our limbs and crack our joints. Sometimes Shelly and I went out for walks- Rita joined us too .... twice or thrice maybe. Sometimes we would sit on my rooftop and watch the sunset. It was nice. It was extremely beautiful and unbelievable. The more I looked at her, her small nose, her glasses reflecting the fluttering leaves of the trees: she made my heart leap and a knot formed right below my navel...

Every time she came close, my heart raced and sweat broke out...
She noticed that maybe... because from what I heard from my friends, I got to know she kinda liked me...
She... Rita... she liked... she liked me?
Was I dreaming????

One day I just went up to her and told her... that I needed to talk to her and if she'd hang out with me after school.
She smirked and agreed to my proposal.
After school got over I waited for her to get out... finally, after what seemed like an eternity, Rita cam out, giggling and talking animatedly among her friends.
I walked up to her.
"Hey Ri-"
She turned away and walked past me... I was a bit stunned by this.
Did she just... did she just now ig-ignore me?
I trembled on that spot. My three besties had already headed their ways... There was no one to hold my hand. I was alone. It was all just me again.
I felt bad.
I felt bad that Rita didn't want to be seen associated with me while her friends were around. I was afraid her friends didn't like me at all. I felt bad because I've heard rumors about what many people think of me: "The stubborn fag", "she wasn't meant to be born as a girl", "fag hag" and most popularly "the one sided lover".
Damn.
I remember... standing there... roted to the red floor.
Then someting warm wrapped around my wrist... it was someone's hand. I looked up and saw her. It was Rita. She was smiling at me.
"Why are you standing here like this? Cummon... they're waiting..." she pointed out to her friends. They looked smug at first but then I looked more carefully... they were smiling softly.
I smiled at them too... nervously...
Rita held my hand tightly and bid her friends goodbye.
Amanda, Rita's best friend, hung back.
I turned to Rita and whispered in her ears,"Is she gonna stay too?"
Rita smiled at me,"Of course, Gwen. We go home together. She lives right 2 blocks away from me."
My spirit was a bit dimmed.
But when we entered the small cafe behind our school, Amanda went off to another table.
Wow.
What a nuce bestie she has. She knows how tk respect one's privacy, I thought. Much unlike my troublesome besties XD...I smiled in my mind...
"So... what's going in?" Rita fixed her eyes on mine.
I could feel a shiver run down my spine.
I made my hands into fists to stop myself from showing any trace of anxiety.
Rita looked away from me and got up. I was surprised again... to that sudden movement.
She got to the counter, ordered something and was coming back the next moment with a tray. She put down the Latte in front of me and I saw, to my amazement because I never thought she liked those stuffs, she got herself a huge sundae jar.
"Are you comfortable now, pumpkin?" She asked, smiling playfully.
"Y-yeah" I could feel myself turning red.
"Um... ummmm... I .... ummm wanted to..."
"Hey, bro, cummon, spit it out!"
"Umm.. okay..." I looked down at my coffee.
"Okay. I'll say it. But promise me you won't laugh at me."
She looked at me. Her gaze, searching.
"Okay.. I promise."

And my mind went blank right at the moment.
I opened my mouth and the words spilled out from me.
"I like you," I heard myself say in a very distant voice that wasn't mine.
"I like you and I can't seem to stop thinking about you."
And after a bit of pause I spoke again.
"Would you date me?"
And that's it. That was all I could say. OF ALL THE THINGS I WANTED TK SAY, NOTHING absolutely nothing came. I didn't feel like it. I was surprised at myself. But I brushed off the feeling.
"You don't sound like you like her though," I heard a familiar voice whisper in my ear. I turned to find out a giggling Amanda.
Um what? I thought in my mind... That- that's not fair.
Amanda drew up a chair and pinched my cheeks. I looked at Rita, she was slightly smiling.
"Gwen. I'm glad to hear that. But... did you even hear yourself say that? Is it the love for me you like or is it... the lust?" She was looking straight into my eyes. Her gaze piercing my lens.
She had a point though.
I was too stunned to speak.
Then Amanda spoke up, "Darling. Even if you did like Rita, I'm not sure she'll like you back in that manner... you see.... umm... she... is kinda whipped for me... we are dating... for the past 2 years..." she laughed shyly.

I sat there... feeling a bit humuliated but more stunned at myself. I realised. I wanted Rita. Not as a love interest but only to get fucked by her.
I realized what she said.
Rita spoke again,"I hope an insightful person like you will understand yourself better? You know you don't actually like me in that sense, don't you Gwennie?" She pinched my cheek too.
I blushed.

I looked at both of them. And I smiled. And then I went up ti the counter, paid for the three of us, came back to the watching couple and hugged them each and went out of the cafe.
I heard Amanda call at me, a tinge of worry and guilt in her voice. And I also heard Rita say,"Give her some space, babe."
And with that I turned a corner, stumbled into a bus stop and took the bus that was just about to leave.
I could feel warm tears rolling down my cheek. I put on my glasses and my mask on. I was so ashamed... ashamed of myself. Ashamed of the lust I felt. But then again... every person feels lust. It's the people who give in to that feeling, mjstaking it to be love and then a moment later realising how much they ended up hurting themselves.