Double-Edged Sword ─ age of ultron ✓

ten

I have finally returned, besties. This is not good, but I needed to update.

★★★

WHEN Alex returned to the Bartons' property, her eyes were bloodshot, her face red. She'd spent the last thirty minutes in the woods, mindlessly spinning around a large stick she found and getting lost in thought. As it turned out, she wasn't nearly as unfazed by her vision as she thought several hours ago.

"Alex!" Steve looked up from the massive pile of wood he'd been stress-chopping. "Where the hell have you been? You left without telling me and disappeared for a half hour."

"I'm sorry." Alex's eyes welled up with tears again. "I wasn't thinking. I just had to get out. I thought I would just wait on the porch for a while, but I just started running. I needed to take a break."

She began crying again. Steve froze, feeling like a jerk and a failure. How did he handle this? Was he supposed to hug her or something? He had infinite respect for people who knew what to do in situations like this. Even Natasha, one of the scariest, most stoic people in his life right now, would be better at this than him.

"Hey." He put his hands on Alex's shoulders. "I'm sorry. I'm glad you're safe. Just try to tell me next time, okay?"

Alex nodded. Steve gestured to one of the tree stumps beside them.

"Sit."

Alex did. Steve sat on the other stump.

"Is this about the vision?" he asked. Alex nodded again.

"I thought I was okay. I've seen that vision so many times in my dreams. But this time felt so much more real, like I was really there. I guess...I don't know. I guess that made it hurt more. It made it hard to tell myself that it was just a nightmare."

"About Hydra?"

"No. My mom. My brother. My stepfather." Alex hesitated, but she wanted it off her chest. "In the nightmare, I'm home—my childhood home—and everything is just like I left it, right down to my and Michael's shoes by the door. I go into the kitchen, and they're all sitting at the table eating breakfast like normal. I try to talk to them, but they ignore me. When they finally pay attention...they call me a monster. They call me a killer and tell me I'm not welcome in that house anymore. I try to tell them that I'm not, that I did those things because I was under Hydra's control, but I always know they're right. I've killed so many people. I am a monster. It doesn't matter that I was KillSwitch. I was still me."

"Alex. What happened was not your fault. You were under Hydra's control. You are not a monster."

"I am."

"No, you aren't. We've known each other for a year, and I know that isn't who you are. You are one of the kindest people I've ever known. You aren't a monster. A monster wouldn't persuade me into letting her come on this mission, and a monster wouldn't feel this way about her past. You care."

Alex did care. It was the only thing on her mind half the time. She'd give just about anything to turn back the clock and reverse all of the terrible things she did as KillSwitch. Her soul was so, so heavy.

But, she supposed, at least she still had a soul. Maybe it would always be bleeding and tortured, but it was there.

"Thanks." Alex wiped her eyes and sniffled. She still felt shitty, but not as much as she had a few minutes ago. "That means a lot to me." A pause. "Can I ask you something?"

"Go ahead."

"Would you...would you mind if I started calling you Dad? I get it if you don't want me to. It's still kind of awkward, and—"