NO, THAT'S WRONG! ~~Naegami~~

Chapter 14: Despair

//tw: self harm

That was the hardest thing Byakuya would ever have to do by a wide margin. The look on Makoto's face as he left... Byakuya suspected he'd be seeing that look in his nightmares for years to come. It was for the best: no need to give the boy false hope for something that could never happen, he knew that. What he hadn't expected was the overwhelming urge to ignore all that rationality and kiss Makoto until he forgot what he was worried about. Makoto...
   Would he be okay? Byakuya had definitely made a mistake walking away like that. If he was any kind of friend, he would have stayed and comforted the brunette. But he hadn't done that, he had only been concerned with himself. It shouldn't have been that much of a revelation to him, but he felt very shocked to realise that he was a bad friend.
   Which, now that he thought about it, raised another question. Would he and Makoto still be friends after this? Of course, Byakuya would understand if the brunette never wanted to see him again, but- selfish as he was- he still hoped that they could remain friends. It was unlikely but, knowing Makoto, quite possible. Maybe he'd ask in the morning- that is, if Makoto let him. Or maybe he should just leave the boy alone? The boy probably needed time, and wouldn't want to be reminded of him immediately after what had happened. That seemed like the easiest way, for the both of them.
   A Togami never runs away from something he'd rather not deal with, Byakuya. They face it head on.
   Perhaps it was ironic for his family duty to aid him in this situation, but when his father's voice rang through his head, Byakuya knew that avoiding Makoto would only lead to more pain in the future. If he was to make good on his promise, he'd need to face unpleasant situations himself, no matter how uncomfortable they made him. So it was decided then: he'd talk to Makoto tomorrow. As much as the thought of seeing the brunette filled Byakuya with giddy anticipation, he found himself wishing that the sun would never rise again.

***

Makoto didn't remember leaving the pool and walking through the empty school and back to his room, but he must have, because he found himself wrapped up in his bedsheets like a caterpillar in a cocoon, lying on the cold floor. His brain still hadn't fully registered what had happened.
   It had been such a rollercoaster of emotions: he'd started out angry, then had become the happiest he'd ever felt, and then the rug had been pulled out from under him, and he'd found himself plummeting so deep into despair that he knew he'd never escape.
   He tried to take his mind off of it, but Byakuya's words were a whirlwind in his head, wreaking destruction and sweeping up any other thoughts to coalesce into an ever bigger spiral.
   "Someone like you."
   "Doesn't have a talent."
   Was Makoto just not good enough for him? Would he ever be? He could try and try for his whole life, but he'd never be Ultimate at anything. He was destined to be a nobody, a stepping stone for other people to walk all over. He was two a penny, a dime a dozen. There was nothing, nothing, that made him special. He had accepted that long ago, so why was he feeling the crushing weight of it only now? Why was he only now realising what a sad and lonely life he had been condemned to? He felt the weight of it on his heart, his lungs, crushing them, stopping him from breathing. He began gasping for air, but none would come, his throat had constructed under the clamp of panic.
Calm down, Makoto. A voice in his head he hadn't heard in a long time suddenly spoke. If you don't calm down, it's only going to get worse. Makoto didn't want this, he didn't want to hear the voice again. You don't want me? But I can help you, Makoto. I can help you calm down. But you'll just have to do one thing for me first.
Mind fogged, he staggered over to his bedside table, and rummaged through the drawer until he found his maths set. He threw it onto his bed and flipped it open, strewing the contents all over the floor until he found what he was looking for. The compass glinted prettily in the light, it's sharp point gleaming.
   Almost there, Makoto. Don't worry, it won't be that bad.
   It was almost like magic how quickly it worked. The pain was refreshing, it gave Makoto something other to focus on. He didn't like it, of course he didn't. But he knew it was the only option. If he didn't do this, he wouldn't be able to make it through another day. Breathing now back under his control, Makoto put away the maths set, swearing to himself that he'd never use it again. It was an empty promise, he knew that. But it couldn't hurt to try, could it?
He flopped back onto his bed, wincing when the rough fabric of his shirt rubbed against the fresh scratches on his arms. He tried to ignore it and get some sleep, God knows he needed it. But there was too much adrenaline pumping through his veins, and he knew he wouldn't be able to sleep at all tonight.
   And his mind did as minds do, and aimlessly drifted, until it latched onto something like a barnacle and didn't let go. This thing was, of course, Togami. Or Byakuya. Did being confessed to and then subsequently rejected by your crush of three months put the two on a first name basis? It was better to be safe than sorry, he reasoned. But the question remained: how was he going to be able to face Togami in the morning?
   Immediately, he knew that he wouldn't be able to tell him how he truly felt, or discuss the residual pain on his arms. That would just needlessly complicate things, and make the conversation all the more awkward. It was better to just pretend. Pretend to be alright. Pretend that he didn't care that much in the first place. Makoto hated lying, but he knew better than anyone that nobody would want to hear about his problems.
   He was a nobody in a school of the most influential somebodies around. A nonentity in a world crammed with the most vibrant colours and fragrances you'd ever sense. A silhouette in the shape of a person, a pocket of empty space. He was nothing, and Togami was everything. What right did he have to complain? Nobody was obliged to acknowledge him. In fact, he deserved to be ignored. People like him and people like Togami shouldn't mix. The Ultimate Affluent Progeny was right: whatever they could have had was doomed to fail from it's inception.
   Makoto got no sleep that night.
   He wondered if he ever would again.

Word count without A/N: 1181

A/N: soooooooooooo I know it's been like half a centuryyyyyyy since I last updated this thing, buttt I just sort of had it at number 2 on my to-do list for a looooonnnngggg time, and things kept taking priorityyyyy. Also, and this won't come as a surprise, this chapter was incredibly difficult to write. I like writing about happy people who all get along, so writing stuff like thissss is wayyy out of my comfort zone. But, that's one of the reasons I'm writing this thing: to improve in every area I can. AND ON THAT NOTE: be sure to tell me how I can improve, or if I did something very wrongggggg (would not surprise me at all nglllllll). Hopefully I'll be able to update quicker this timeeee, but don't counttt on it. Alr peace
—Winter