It feels like I'm drowning..

She picked her own poison...

(TW; THIS CHAPTER CONTAINS SELF HARM AND MENTIONS OF OTHER EXPLICIT CONTENT )

while walking home I felt a gut feeling that never happens before, in response i took out a headphone,
my head started to spin with thoughts from earlier, so I stopped to take in a bit of air to try and calm down.
my phone vibrated "huh ?" I thought.

mum 💙
i hope you had a lovely day at school,
facetime me after ? also i left a bit of money
if you want to order food for dinner,
know the first days always give you the blues.
i love you <3.  

thank you mom, i will facetime you soon , today was rough
new school, new people, it always screws me over   .
i'll try and talk to someone tomorrow i guess , it's hard  .
i love you too  <3
seen

mum💙
it's only hard because of your past with your father.
he's taken your bubbly inner child from when your younger
and it breaks my heart he's done that and i understand,
completely why your scared of talking to new people.
but remember just settle in then maybe try and talking to someone.
i'm proud of y0u.

i guess that's the case.
i love you.
im gonna go into the house and shower cos  my head is screwing up
but i love you and i'm proud of us both  
come  home soon  mom.
seen.

mum
i will :) i love you too. 

i shut off my phone, not too far from home.
after a few mins of walking, i made it
i got my key, quickly got in and locked the door behind me.
i hung my bag up , and went to the bathroom , locked the door.
i turn around and i was faced with my reflection,
the more i stared the more i hated my self. 
my eyes started to water in self hatred.
i scattered through the draws to find the blade
"i hate my self too much" i sniffled.
gashing at my wrists, hissing at the pain of the blade going through.
i stopped, i looked at the cuts " the pain doesn't feel like pain until it's nearly over " i said to my self
i grabbed the rubbing alcohol and a cotton pad, hissing of the pain from the alcohol touching
my bare cut.
"shittttttt" i yelped in a high pitch tone.
i put a plaster on my cuts  to stop the bleeding even more.
I took off my clothes and showered, i adjusted the temperature so it was boiling hot to take the thoughts away.
after a solid 30 minutes of showering i got out, dried and put a sports bra, panties on topped off with a hoodie and leggings. 
i went downstairs to facetime my mum, but everything went black...