I am so fucking tired of being sexually assaulted. I am so tired of it continuing to happen. Because no matter if I'm at a party, on the bus, walking to work, wearing baggy clothes, or at school something will fucking happen. You cannot escape pedos. So I'm just gonna be lashing out all the times I've been sexually assaulted because I can. Writing them all down and anonymously posting them may help myself and others, I find a great sense of healing in spreading awareness. I think the main thing I struggle with everyday is being torn between if I'm a victim or not. A lot of my peers are so uneducated on sexual assault, the trauma, what happens. Verbally recounting can be so triggering. But i'm here to talk, all of this that has happened to me is real. SA victims are SUFFERING.
My earliest memory of an inappropriate experience was in kindergarten when a boy in my class would fondle me under my desk. This happened a few times when we had assigned seats next to each other. I never knew it was wrong and I never thought anything of it. This resulted in me humping pillows and kissing my stuffed animals. My mom caught me so many times and shamed me. I genuinely thought this was normal. As time went by a weird sense of guilt would come down my body and I didn't understand why. Looking back, cognitively I didn't know it was wrong but my intuition and bodily response knew it wasn't ready for that kind of exposure.
Things didn't get better and when I was 5 going on 6 my cousin in law began to molest me. He was a few years older than me and I always looked up to him. His mom would watch me often and we had a lot of good memories. Sadly it all started one summer when we got out of the pool and decided to play with toys in his room. Next thing I knew we were in a closet and he was doing and convincing me to do the unthinkable.
This went on for a few years and I remember building up the courage to tell my mom so many times but then chickening out. It took me a year to finally tell her. I remember saying word for word ""**** makes me play with his snake and kiss it." My mom instantly started screaming at me and told me I was grounded from seeing my cousin ever again. When we got home she whooped my ass and never spoke of it again. I didn't see my cousin for a long ass time.
Then in the 7th grade my Mom invited him and his Mom over for dinner thinking things had died down over the years. We were playing soccer outside and I was trying not to think about the past. Then he came up to me and said "remember when we used to do sexy stuff when we were little? I think we should do it again." I just wanted to throw up. I was mad at my Mom for allowing him over. These past years he's came over with his Mom for dinner and stolen beer bottles from my family's fridge and asked me to get drunk with him. I've very much declined every time.
