Being SA'd really fucked up my brain and none of it got better. In the 8th grade I got a boyfriend who convinced me to lose my virginity to him and told me "that's what boyfriends and girlfriends do." Him threatening to break up with me really got to my head and I just wanted someone to like me back then. I followed through with it and it was really horrible. I remember at one point telling him to stop and he just didn't. Now he's a convicted rapist. We lost our virginities to each other, sometimes i feel like i opened his psychotic sexual can of worms and that maybe if i didn't say yes to him back then he wouldn't be who he is today. But what do i know.
From then on i was getting bullied at school really bad and didn't know how to feel about sex. I was celibate for a good year and then when I got to high school it really went down hill. I fucked a bunch of guys my freshman year and they were all seniors besides maybe 2. I look back and blame myself for being like that but then again, they were 17/18, i was 14... What the fuck...
Sophomore year rolls around and I start liking this guy a lot. I had just gotten my wisdom teeth pulled and was in a lot of pain. He offered to come over and bring me some ice cream. I was thrilled by the offer. He came into my room where I was recovering and began hanging out with me. Next thing I knew he was forcing me to suck his dick. My mouth was bleeding everywhere and 2 of my stitches came out. I couldn't talk at all and my mouth smelled so bad. I couldn't say no because I couldn't even speak. And looking back at this experience I wonder where my Mom was because I had no door for my room. I was 15, why was my mom allowing a senior in my room? Just what the fuck.
After that my self esteem fell really fucking hard and I remember hating my body. I never told anyone and suffered in silence. Didn't wanna get him in trouble either because he was successful in varsity soccer and had a soccer career ahead of him. I didn't wanna be the "scandal" to fuck up his life. But i look back and bro, if anything he fucked up mine first. I cut him off and after he kept nagging me why i confronted him. He began apologizing and said he'd control himself better. But it was clearly a little too late for that.
From then on sex was weird for me and I had this weird mindset that if I kept fucking over and over again then maybe I could forget about my past and enjoy it one day. In high school I caught so many bodies, it was ridiculous. Some of these guys were grown ass men, oldest was 26. I never got off once during these encounters and was never really satisfied. I would just have sex to have sex.
The worst times were when I would hang out with a guy to get a feel for him first but then be struck with the "why would you come hang out if you weren't gonna fuck." These dudes wouldn't let me leave unless I gave them something or would just refuse to get off of me. I emotionally checked out every time and remember feeling numb as if nothing ever happened. Even though this happened over and over again with different guys, I still hung out with guy after guy. I put myself in bad situations and it was by sad chance I would get raped or sexually assaulted.
I think I did this because I hated myself. I thought that I deserved it and I was just one of those people who got raped all the time. Pretty psychotic way of thinking, I genuinely thought this was normal. And the more times I got date raped, taken advantage of at parties, the more I was accepting of it. The fact that i was so numb after every time just damaged me more. I wanted male validation really bad and that made me more vulnerable every time.
