There were a lot of guys at my high school that sexually assaulted me but I never said shit. I remember they would brag about how they fucked me and how I'm a freak and easy. But all I remember is a nightmare.
A shitty situation was when I hung out with a basketball player and his 2 other friends. We were in the car going to burger king and while we were in the drive through the basketball player said "suck my dick now." I said no and he proceeded to tell me how I was rude for coming if I wasn't gonna suck his dick. With his two other friends in the car I was uncomfortable and kept declining. The driver said "just shut up bitch and suck my brothers dick." All three of them were getting really mad at me and I was getting more and more scared by the second. He tried to slam my head into his dick and his friends were encouraging it. I fought him off of me and called my friend. I demanded they drove me to her. They threw me out of the car once we arrived.
Then at school he was bragging about how I sucked him up. Telling everyone I was a thot and some more. Embarrassed me in front of everyone. The rumors were getting really bad and fake accounts would text me all the time telling me to kill myself on the daily. People would come up to me and asked if I fucked so and so. Most of the names were guys who raped me or tried to force me to do shit with them. Out of anger these guys would retaliate and make up things we did, so their ego would be boosted. I look back and I genuinely didn't see the sexual assault in most of these encounters. I really wish I did so I could get help.
No matter how bad the rumors got I couldn't stop linking up with guys and having sex even though I knew it was dangerous. I would always deny the rumors and what I was doing. Deep down I was fighting some kind of sexual demon. I wanted to get rid of it so bad but I couldn't. It felt impossible. Most of these situations were I would be messing around with a guy and then he would want to do more, I would say no and they would just proceed. I thought that since I had already been doing shit with him, it would be my fault for leading him on. That's not right though, that's rape. It took me so long to realize that...
I was really fucked up at a party and blacked out completely. I remember flashes of someone having sex with me and the next morning I was in a lot of pain. A week later I was having bad symptoms down there and came up positive for chlamydia which was super embarrassing. Obviously chlamydia is curable so I was fine in the end but I still felt dirty. And it's like damn, this asshole raped me and burned me. I actually hate myself so much now.
So at this point i'm 16. My body is pretty much no longer my temple and I can't look at myself. The bullying is unbearable and I still haven't gotten help for all this sexual trauma. I thought it'd just be easier to kill myself. I took a bunch of pills and overdosed later going to the hospital to get admitted. I told one friend what happened and of course it spread like wild fire. I had people telling me I should've just died and I honestly felt nothing from those comments. I hated myself just as much as they hated me.
