I got into a relationship but it didn't last. Being with him my senior year definitely helped me chill out. After our break up I had a few hook ups but they were fairly normal and healthy. But I wasn't really healing. I'd lie about my body count and I was in complete denial about what I did. It frustrated me everyday to see my abusers/rapists going to university and living their dreams while I was stuck at home self harming and struggling with a eating disorder.
My family had no fucking clue of any of this. My Dad was a hard core drug addict and was beating on me and his girlfriend which definitely made my life 10 times harder through all of this. My mom and I weren't talking because she was all mentally screwed up after my sisters Dad left her. I was pretty alone and down. Covid didn't makes things any better as my Dad and I were butting heads really bad.
During quarantine I thought about ending my life a bunch of times and cut myself a lot. The cutting was the worst it's ever been. I feel like a dumbass for self harming because now i have scars on my arms which is really embarrassing. By this time though the rumors died down by a lot and I graduated high school in a better state of mind. My self harm was still pretty severe and I still wasn't processing everything. No one knew what was going on with me or how bad I was hurting inside. I feel like if any of my bullies read this they still wouldn't give a fuck and the world is dark like that.
I tried putting a band aid on everything and got into a relationship because 1 i needed validation and 2 i was trying to prove to everyone that my old ways were over. This obviously didn't help as my boyfriend at the time knew I was vulnerable because of my family and past. That relationship ended in a lot of physical abuse and a failed pregnancy. At this point my life looked like trauma after trauma and I couldn't get it to stop.
My ex finally went to jail after almost killing me and that's when I really started to see the light. I was living in my own apartment working a decent job while doing school. Life seemed to be getting better and my parents were more supportive. I made a lot of new friends and started thinking I was beautiful, which was weird at first. Things felt... right.
