Treacherous

19 - secret business

I watched Seokhoon waiting for my response whilst my brain processed all this new information he told. The bomb he dropped few minutes ago certainly left quite a shock to me. More than that, I almost thought I misheard him for a second. But he held his gaze to mine, unwavering without a fail, and I couldn't avoid the doubt within it anymore.

"Please say anything," he said in a quiet voice. Exhaustion was still shown on his face, and he remained kneeling in front of me.

"I don't know what to say," I murmured, in honesty. My hands started to become sweaty despite the cold due to my forgetfulness about the heater, and my mind was still on the loading part of what was supposed to be the right answer to this.

I was utterly wordless and had no way out of speech. I undoubtedly malfunctioned. Until Seokhoon gently rubbed his palm over my fistful hand that I clearly didn't know when did it balled tightly, it reminded me back to our short escape to Ms. Cheon's wardrobe. And I finally got to make proper sentences from my locked lips.

"Were you actually the one who called for the ambulance?" I carefully asked. His hand now brushed over my knuckle, sending heat through the softness of his thumb.

He shook his head which hung low. His eyes dropped to our hands before he started to explain, "No, it wasn't me. I—I was too shocked to see her laying there motionless, and I was trembling—so hard that I tried to wake her. And then, Doha came. He came from behind me. I didn't know he was there, and I just couldn't ask him anything except for urging him to call the ambulance."

Bursting out a strangle feeling that trapped in his throat, a choke left him in desperation. As he lifted both of his hands to rub his face roughly, he sighed hard. Then, he continued, "I picked up my phone from my pocket quickly when I saw Doha didn't look any better than me. I went to the emergency dial to call, but a siren faintly heard from afar, and all I saw was Seola's body being dragged on the bed to the car. All I felt was... the blood under my feet slowly crept up to me, and I felt guilty for not saving her right before she fell.

"That feeling was worsened by the time I knew she's in coma, and she still won't wake up until now. I also noticed how the scars on her face absolutely wouldn't happen because of her fall. Damn it, I knew it wouldn't happen that way, but I didn't want to ask Doha about it that time because he is my family. And I didn't want to make him worry more by confronting him about something that wasn't clear enough if it was really him. I just—I don't know, fuck, I really didn't know what was I am doing when I hid it all from you, Rona.

"Maybe they're right when they said I was the potential suspect for this. The murderer," he whispered. "Because I did leave her in the operating room alone without someone welcoming her on the other side except for medics."

Seokhoon looked so devastated, disappointed, and disgusted with himself as he told me all he knew. The emotions he felt overflowed in every word he spoke. His trembling hands tried to push the tears that I knew he didn't want to show because he felt it wasn't his right. He was hesitating not only in his act, but also in the way he wanted to grab back my hands to keep his sanity. There was too much for him to bear alone, his body said that in their own language.

Then, I figured out in my courage as I pulled him closer to wipe his warm tears away. As I intertwined my hand to the one on his lap; mine coated it imperfectly. I irrevocably told him to share more of his burden and mull over me who's ready to hear him all night. To depend a bit more on me, like how I did the whole time I put trust on him.

Because when I thought I was the one to blame, he did it all long before I found out about Seola's accident. He looked more terrified than I am when he thought he was the one at fault. The guilt was there; real and alive for all the things he kept under. Far from me.