Letters To God

Recap 01

I sat there in silence, I sat there at my desk deep in thought about what I was doing. Was I even doing things right? I obviously wasn’t if I wasn’t getting any positive feedback. Somehow the thing about being me is that I can never do anything right.

I guess I should have just cut my losses when I still had the chance.

“What’s wrong with me?...” I stared at the reflection in the mirror feeling the tears coming on. “Why can’t I do anything right, why does this always happen to me.” I rubbed my face. Sometimes I can’t believe myself, sometime I rather die. But no, I had to handle this all wrong, cause trouble with the only person that seemingly understood me. And who was I? Who was I to be posting that stupid story about Tara online? I made her cry…how could I do that to her? I held my phone in my hand and read the text that Alex had sent me, and just starred at it in shock. Was I really that bad, was I really doing that?

No I wasn’t…I wasn’t doing any of that. I wasn’t pretending or gossiping, I was trying to be friendly and cope with what was happening. “Am I really that bad…?”

And now it’s too late God, isn’t it? She hates me; I’m just a problem for her aren’t I? God, why would you put her in my life to take her away and hurt me all over again? I thought I was better because of her, that I was a good influence…that we would go to Paris together after graduating, and that she would be my maid of honor at my wedding.

But now that won’t happen, she’ll never smile at me again, she’ll never want to even see my face. If you put me on this earth, why can’t you give me a better purpose than to cause problems? My mom keeps saying things will be fine, but am I being obsessive here God? Or are you telling me not to let it go, is there still some 1% chance she even cares? I thought she would understand why I was acting this way, but we’ve never fought before, and that’s a good thing, but…

Why is our first fight our last? Why a year? Why couldn’t it be longer? Why us? Why couldn’t I have just not fought over Tara with Alex and had all of us become…friends. But I didn’t gain a friend, I lost two. But now I can look at this differently and wonder what went wrong, was it a miscommunication, being misinformed, losing faith in each other…or was it me, was it all my fault this happened? I rubbed my eyes until they burned. And yet it made me mad how Alex thought I faked my depression, Tara knew about it, but then again why would she care? She was the victim. I really have to face facts…I’m no good. And now even Tara sees that, she knows I’m not worth the trouble. So God, why am I still here if I’m not worth the trouble, can’t I just be up there with you? Where I can’t screw everything up and ruin everyone’s lives. Now I see why, she had every right, but she didn’t understand why I was acting the way I was, and she wasn’t willing to talk to me to find out why. So God, Help? Because I’m not sure what I should be doing anymore

                                                                        Love, Annabelle

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I was helpless to the fact i had officially lost her, my first real friend. And because of this i was so blind of what was happening. I couldn't focus in school, i was having a emotional breakdown every five minutes. I couldn't think straight. And i definatly couldn't fix this problem.I had no idea what was happening, last i thought, i had told Tara i was perfectly fine with her and Alex being friends. and things seemed okay. But then, she started to act diffrent.

Avioding me, no looking at me, dodging past me in a hurry so i couldnt stop her to talk. I was totally confused, i didn't know what was happening, and i was aware i was losing her. But i was just hoping she wasn't seeing my actions the wrong way, maybe that was it? But even after i had told Tara i was fine with her and Alex, i was in complete denial. I was always talking to Gale and Suzie about this, hoping for either advice, or sympathy just to feel better. But things turned even worse. And as i sat in Language art class that friday, i was completely unfocused and practically bawling silently. P.E. that morning wasn't any easier than the day before. I'm doing my best to act like i'm fine, but then again i'm really good at hiding my real emotions, i do it all the time. From a few rows across Erica glanced at me and smiled, i smiled back, though im sure she could tell something was wrong because it wasn't my normal smile. She mouthed "whats wrong?" at me but i just shook my head and turned away. Not even smiling was easy. I felt my throut go dry, i was probably dehidrated from all the crying i had been doing. I raised my hand and asked to go to the bathroom, and got up and left the room looking back to see Suzie smile and wave at me. I waved back and proceeded to the restroom. Stopping infront of the mirror to get an idea of how bad i looked today. I groaned at the sight, i had dark circle under my eyes from my sleepless nights, i was wearing a big baggy hoodie that helped me feel 'hidden' in a sence. And by the way i was standing, you could easily tell i had lost all confidence. "Stupid depression"i thought, i rather would have screamed it, but i heard someone else in the bathroom, so i didn't. splashing water in my face i yawned rubbing my eyes,i really needed some sleep, i was already ugly as it is. I need some degree of 'beauty' sleep. A few moment later Erica popped her head into the bathroom "You okay Anna?" i barely glanced at her and just hung my head over the sink. I felt the tears coming on. I took a deep breathe before looking up and reallizing she had brought my stuff and handed it to me. I was to busy complaining to realize the bell had rung. I thanked her and ran to my next class. And the minute i sat down i hung my head and covered my face. i hate being me...i hate being me...

"You okay Anna?" i looked up and tried to smile at Suzie, but of course she could see right through me. She opened her mouth to speak when the math teacher walked in and told everyone to sit down. She rushed to her seat and Alex then walked over to her desk which was about 1 row infront of me and caught my eye. I smiled, i wasn' going to be mean to her just because of what was going on, but she glared at me than sat down. Figures, i guess she has her reasons.

After all that official detention and teacher stuff, we were finally released and let out into the courtyard. I walke over to a stone staircase by the gym and sat there with my little group of friends (Suzie, Gale, Erica). Though even when i was haveing fun, and my mind was somewhere else with my friends, every time Tara and her new friends came walking by i couldnt help but freeze, i wondered if i should talk to her or not. But i always ended up flunking and ditching the idea. Stupid me. And as they would walk away i would look at them and sigh, she looked alot better off without me. Whats wrong with me?...