Letters To God

Recap 01 1/2

Okay God, i guess this one is sorta about me.

I know i'm not as deep in my faith as i should be, i don't always act it at school, and i'm not sure how to show it all the time. But i'm definitely scared. I'm waiting, i'm waiting but nothings happening. And is it really me Lord? Is it my fault this happened? I'm not sure i'm totally understanding what your doing here, and i'm not sure i like it. But you never said i had to like it for it to help me. And it obviously has, God i'm thanking you know for all the blessing you have given me, and will give me. You gave me a baby brother, you gave me a group of friends at school who love me for me. But then you gave me problems, and social issues with almost everyone. I'm not sure what i'm doing wrong God, and if i'm doing things right, i need a sign. Some sort of clarification that i'm doing what you want me to. And thats the amazing thing about you Lord, You do things in a way that your believers KNOW it was you who did it. You show us in an unspeakably extrordinary way. And loving you God, following your path and letting you guide me shouldn't be so difficult. At school, i'm not sure what happened, i'm not sure what to do, but i'll leave it to you.

                                                             Love, Annabelle

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It was, in away, my last resort. I had only told Gale about this, and i was praying it would work. In a full session of depression, i found myself sitting down at my desktop typing up all the things i loved about Tara, and for once remembering everything before all of this happened. I called Gale and spoke to her about it.

"...So i'm planning on sending it to her. I'm not even sure she checks her email, but it's my only chance of contacting her out of school." i was chewing on my lip. I was nervous, so snapping nervous about sending it "What if she just deletes its? She hates me, why would she read it."

I could hear Gale's finger as she tapped the table with her nail" Okay well...whats the worse thing that can happen, worse scenario you can think of." I froze. Dangit...

"There are wayyyyy to many scenarios that  can think of"

"Well, than just send it, if it's God will, then things will be fine Annabelle" I sighed relieved from her reply, if she were Erica she probably would have told me not to send it at all. But Tara had to read it, even if she hated me:

Your beautiful, your amazing, a great singer with talent. An awesome writer whom I’ve always envied. You have that natural beauty and kind personality that everyone likes, and that I never stopped loving. The first person I ever felt accepted me in this world. With all the blessings I have I’ve always felt sad and alone. Like no one would understand me or the way I feel. The first person I told about my depression, and the only person that could ever comfort me about it and let me know thing were going to be alright. My first real friend, and the only one I’ve ever had trouble letting go. It’s hard for me to see this side of you, and I’ve had so many doubts about my feelings. I never know whether to be angry, or miserable. Now the way you act around me, it breaks me knowing that it was probably all my fault. I’m sorry for all my flaws, for all my risks, and mistakes. I would change if I knew how, even I hate me. But realizing now, I feel like I held you back from all the great things you can do. This wonderful person with beauty, talent, and personality that hid so shyly behind a mask of curiosity. Waiting for the right moment to spread your wings and fly. Now I cry about it, and I never really had the chance to cherish those memories like I should have. I have so many regrets now, but I never hated you, and I never talked to you because I was afraid of how you would look at me. Possibly with the same disapproving look everyone else always gives me. I never gossiped about you, but without you there to vent to, I had to talk to others. You’re the one person I would have asked for help in this situation, and the one person I never imagined this happening with. Now and then I still wonder what happened to us. It’s obvious you’ve moved on and honestly, you seem a lot happier without me, and that hurts. It’s hard to face it, only because you ended it in a text, and I sometimes wish you told me in person. But I think about you all the time and I would always wonder if you ever thought about me. You’ve always been the type of person to get stuck in the middle of things, to have something weighing you down and having to keep your feelings hidden. And whenever I never took things seriously, I’m sorry, I’ve never been very good at giving advice, but making you laugh was my way of cheering you up. But I never did things without a good reason, but I never got the chance to explain why I’m the way I am and why I did things. From the beginning I was hurt, not angry, but hurt. I felt, and feel, so rejected, like even you, the one person than actually understood me, could throw me away like a piece of trash. Now I feel more or less selfish, I never thought about how I hurt you, and what was going through your mind when you heard me saying these things, I hope you can forgive me for that. Throughout my life, I suppose I have been a selfish creep, but then again no one ever really took the time to get to know me like you did. I’ve never been in control, and I’ve never understood what to do, one reason I hate school. But now it’s like I’m falling and every time I see you I hit the ground hard. I’ve never been good at talking to people in person, that’s why I’m sending you this. And no matter what I could do, I wouldn’t be able to stop you long enough to tell you everything I wish I could. So here’s a list:

Your family, I love them, just because we weren’t sisters, that didn’t mean they weren’t my family. And they were just as accepting to me as you were, I miss them dearly.

Your talent, you’ve always been an amazing singer, your voice is pure talent, and no singer ever compared to you. Every time I would sing to myself I would think of you, and wish I was more like you.

Your beauty, your eyes a bright blue filled with life, comforting and expressive, especially when your happy. I adore your blonde curly hair, it always seemed to dry perfectly and you never had to do anything to it. And even with glasses on, your beauty isn’t hidden.

You, someone I got to know so well, and I never once fought with you before. Your understanding, and someone that no one ever really got a chance to know the way I did. When I look back now and think about all our happy memories. I find myself laughing, and from the day we became friends, I liked you. Your incapable of being mean, or showing anger. I love the way you always seemed so shy about the things you were good at, because in reality you’re the best I’ve ever known. And it’s funny to think you never knew how amazing you were at so many things. And now I realize how much I really know about you. You’re a blessing, someone that God put in my life for reasons I’ll never know. And possibly took you away for reasons I’ll never understand. But you were the first person I could take to church with me, the only and most likely first, Christian friend I’ve ever had. I could tell you about things I couldn’t tell anyone else, and for a year of my life, you were a cure for my depression. Something I feel I’ve possibly never really had in the past, a friend. And I never learned to cherish that enough, I took you for granted. I’ll never meet someone like you again, you’re rare, and incredibly special. And someone anyone should cherish to have as a friend.

You’re the first person to defend me, and care enough to get yourself into my stupid situations and help me work my way out. And from those small memories of how we used to meet together in front of the band hall, to how we ran across Sea World to ride the Steel Eel one more time. And the small little ‘best friend’ necklaces we got to save all those memories is still my favorite, and I wear it all the time. Those simple things, that so many people always call ‘weird’ were always so normal for you and me. How we could face the world together and nothing really kept us from being ourselves. And needless to say, I was able to be me around you, no need to pretend, or even fake my smile. And even in the bad times, my smile was never fake, even if in your eyes you didn’t believe it was real. And now, thanks to you, I have a new meaning for the word friend: You. I’d like to thank you for everything you’ve done for me, even listening to me constantly complain about school. Anyone else would have just walked away from it all, my negativity and weirdness. But out of anyone you decided to stay and turn my life around. You taught me what a true friend really is and I realize I didn’t have a clue what a friend was until you came around. God bless you, and even now, looking back. I still have every reason to call you my friend.

With a certain eagerness i pressed the 'send button' and pressed the phone back to my ear "Sent"

Now i had to leave it in God's hands.