Letters To God

Recap 02

Okay God, whats happening?

I'm angry, at her, at you. Is this what its really come to? Its obvious she REALLY hates me now. Friends should be able to get through things like this, we should be able to talk it out. But no, i ended up being the bad guy, because it was somehow all my fault, right? they had absolutely NOTHING to do with it. Buy Suzie, Gale, or Erica could easily tell you how much suffering this has caused me. Yet somehow i'm just being 'fake'? Goes to show how good i was and choosing friends. I SUCK. I keep asking for your help God, but i'm honsetly devistated. I'm sorry i'm being impatient, but i can't deal with it anymore. She couldn't even end it to my face...

                                         Love, Annabelle

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Nothing i was doing was working, and even talking to her, she wouldn't even talk to me! She looks at me with such disaproval i feel more worthless than ever. She knows i suffer from depression, and if i wasn't a follower of Jesus i probably would be cutting myself right now. I wanted to scream, bang my head against the desk. I wanted to cry, sob, and then just die so the pain would just end. whats wrong with me?...

I Blamed her, Alex. I blamed her because i wouldn't make it if i blamed myself, things were fine before she came along. But now its obvious why Tara rather be friends wih her more than me. Alex was prettier, popular, normal, secure, christian. And nothing like me. I guess i really am a failure as a friend. And i really feel bad about how i treated her now, I never took time to help Tara out with her problems, and focused on me. But she understood me, so why did this happen so suddenly? a chunk of my heart was ripped out when i realized i didn't belong anywhere. I guess i felt like i meant something when she was my friend, i'm so selfish...

I'm writing this because of a text Tara had just sent me, it was already pretty clear she didn't want to be friends. I guess she had to clarify to me in a text message. Oddly enough it was almost the same as a boyfriend breaking up with his girlfriend in a text. I'm so stupid.

But then, everything she said, she said everything i wasn't doing. I wasn't gossiping, i never faked a smile, i never badmouthed her and Alex. But i admit, i guess i was jealous.

Jealous that Alex was so much better than me, everyone liked her. And in a way, i did to, i practically envied her. She had the beauty, the popularity, the grades, and my best friend. Me on the otherhand, was struggling just to get by, i'n not pretty, i'm not popular, i manage As & Bs, and now i'm just the outcast with no friends.

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In a sence, now i realize,maybe she was trying to fix it. But i was more or less pushing her away when i didn't realize i was. I really didn't think she cared that she was hurting me. She actualy stood  chance in the popular world, she was nice, pretty incredibly talented. And Happy.

And i can't always be happy about it. Currently i'm more or less over what happened, i can go to school and finally relax. Though sometimes when i see her, i miss when we used to talk, we had been so close. And a recent talk with a friend of mine helped me open up a bit more to the source of the problem. It wasn't neccisarily Alex, it was our lack of faith in eachother. And now, i really don't know if this is the end of the story or not for me and Tara, maybe God is still at work? maybe well bump into eachother years from now when we're married with kids. Or maybe not. But it's very possible the story isnt over, at least, i hope not.