anything & everything

𝐇𝐚𝐩𝐩𝐢𝐧𝐞𝐬𝐬?

Hers' p.o.v -

When was it, when was it the last time we felt joyous?

Most of the time, we don't. Even half of us question it sometimes. What does happiness actually imply? Is it just by doing something that makes you happy, or because someone makes you laugh or someone treats you kind or someone took you out on a romantic date? Which one is it? Or none above.

That's why I'm always lost in my thoughts, pondering profoundly about what it really means. To this day, I'm still figuring it out. Figuring the real meaning of it. The hidden meaning behind it. I don't want to feel happy just because someone makes me laugh or romantic date if deep down in my heart I am not happy or joyful.

Does a person given the name joy. Was really happy and joyful in her life? Outside she maybe is happy but what about the inside. We never really know because the inside can't talk like we humans can. They only are shown by our emotions or feelings for that day only. What if the inside part of our body can talk? Will he complain about the way you dress skin (body)? Or perhaps about what you ate today or drank yesterday.

Why force ourselves to be happy around people. Is it because no one cares if you are sad or in pain? Why put yourself in that situation if you can run away from it. You ask, it is not easy. Then it must be so natural for you to put a mask on. I can't do that. I can't put a mask on to be only pretending I'm happy in front of my friends. I don't talk to them about it either.

Were my trust for them none exist, hardly to believe but I want people to understand me when I do. They push me aside from them not wanting a single word I utter from my lip. Sad, right? Without even realizing people could be cruel. They don't have to say it just by the act. It represents a million meanings.

I used to fake a smile, used to cry in fakeness since no one was there. I whimper at night, a silent sob cries on and on. Yet, nobody notices. Am I invincible?

****

We can't fake everything around us. There's a moment for us to cry in bed, onto our friend's shoulder, or onto our parent's laps, never keep your sadness sitting there inside you devouring you slowly till you drown. Seek help! And help them! Don't just sit there not doing anything as if you are oblivious.

We are all still searching for it. Searching for our own purpose but finding our own wasn't easy. The struggles I face, the obstacles I encounter, the mistakes I make. The problem just won't stop chasing after us. I'm tired. The idea to vanish is always there. I couldn't even feel the joy it was not there.

The other day I just laughed. For a moment I thought I was happy when I'm all alone. The smile disappears.

Could I search for it, could I fight for it? For me, I will. For myself, the world will stop me, sending lightning storms I won't give up so easily for myself. I stand on my feet, stepping forward into the world of happiness, leaving the sadness behind me.

The journey is hard. Nothing was really easy. I will fight even harder than before, I don't want to lose the battle. I crave to win. Win for me, day and night without stopping. I did it. The door opened for me. Happiness seems bright, the light it shines is magnificent. I want to stay here but knowing it won't last I run to the other door of happiness. Every day I seek for it, fight for it. I will keep doing it for me, not for them. 

****

Yet again, nothing is easy to be done.

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side note: Wishing for no one to misinterpret the meaning behind this ;)