anything & everything

𝐖𝐨𝐧𝐝𝐞𝐫𝐥𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐃𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐦

⚠️ Warning - Mention of blood

***

That day I lost myself to you, the world never seemed nice. I stare into your green eyes, profoundly, I feel something in me that I never ever felt before. They say true love never exists, but I am looking at it. Staring at it now. Never have I felt so whole without you.

The following morning I woke up and I knew that you would be there for me. Lying next to me hugging me provided me with heat. It's warm, a kind of love that I will never have somewhere else but in you.

In our three years of relationship, you were the smile that I wear every day on my soft lips. It was magical each moment I spent my time with you. I admit that it was beautiful. Beautiful as ever, it's like I am in a garden full of flowers blooming around us, butterflies flying to each flower.

It was something that I don't want to find anywhere else but only in you. Every time with you, I treasure it in my heart. Never I want to let go of you out of my hand.

But why is it? You are slipping away from me. Gradually yet certainly, I don't sense you here anymore. You were here in the same room as me thus you seem far away. Too far for me to reach my hand to you.

I sit on the mattress, staring at the polaroid picture we take when we go on our first date. Tears streamed down my cheek. The agony I feel when you say "Let's end this."

What happens? Did I miss something for the past three years of our relationship? Or was I expecting too much from this relationship? You weren't pleased with me anymore? I assumed love was never stopped and withered. It happens in my eyes, it's running in my memory box. Everything doesn't seem perfect, it's obnoxious.

The thunderstorm was weeping with me. Laboriously pouring as if it had never rained before. Curling up on our bed. At first, I would like to accuse it on Love for crushing my heart. But, no! Love makes no mistake, it doesn't resent, blame, heartless, blind. No!

It was me that was too blind. Too blind for assuming or not thinking that one day you can effortlessly destroy my heart into a million pieces. Healing is not easy, each night you appear in my wonderland dream though realizing you were not there anymore.

It took me three years to move on forgetting you completely, removing your pieces of puzzles in me. Replacing it with my pieces back. You took my life entirely, then you realize I wasn't made for you and you met her. You left me in the somberness, I was enraged and heartbroken.

Nevertheless, I realize that weeping over you, angry at you. Was not the answer. I have peace in my wonderland, it was anew. Securing it, only unfolding it when I am ready again to love for now loving myself is the key to love.

You have no idea what I have done in my downstate. I bleed, vomiting blood. Crying in blood, sleeping with blood, covered in blood. Every decision ends with blood. I lost myself in the depth of anguish.

But, hey ~ I found my way back home. To where I belong my heart belongs in the wonderland dream. It was the best choice I ever made. It is.

****

Wonderland dream is Home of heart.

When you lost yourself in any situation, crying is fine but never lose yourself, come home to where it belongs.

The heart could be anything - family, friend, yourself. 

****

The title may doesn't make sense ( I also agree with that hahaha) But I just finished two presentations today and had a free time, I was listening to this very beautiful song. And this happen ;)

-Ain-

----