i'm so sick of seventeen (those golden years)

tell me all of the things that make you feel at ease

The dorm is practically deserted when he returns, which isn't super surprising considering it's the first night they've had off in weeks. Everyone raced to make plans when they heard about the free time they were being given. His members deserve a night off, after how much they've been asked to do recently, the strain they've all put on themselves physically and mentally. Jungwon is happy for them, really. It's just as he walks into the dorm and all the lights are off, no music playing, no sounds of a video game, he can't help but wish someone was here. The whole place feels hollow without the chatter from everyone, all the life is missing from it. Quiet has never been so stifling.

Stumbling through the dorm, he walks into the room and changes into his pyjamas at a sluggish pace, all the fight he had in him earlier is long gone. He doesn't even bother turning on the lights in the living room, just slumps onto the couch in the dark. Jungwon doesn't cry. It's an awful sort of limbo he's in, he can feel the telltale squeeze of hurt in his chest, but he can't turn on the faucet and release the pressure. He just sits there in the dark, his chest heavy and eyes burning. A frustrated wail rips from his throat, echoing through the dorm.

It's not like he even has a legitimate reason to cry, not really. Sunghoon has made it abundantly clear over the past few days that he doesn't see Jungwon like that. Jungwon can't be mad at him for it, obviously he didn't want some dumb kid getting in the way of his relationship with Heeseung. Because that's what he is, isn't he: a dumb kid. A dumb kid who can't even manage to lead a group of other kids, who can't handle his own anxiety, a dumb kid who gets feelings for someone who will never see him as anything more than a little brother. Imagine someone you didn't have feelings for tried to kiss you. If Jungwon were Sunghoon, he'd be uncomfortable too.

His phone buzzes incessantly beside him. The screen lights up every couple of seconds with messages from Sunghoon. They started coming in a few minutes after he left Sunghoon behind, and have yet to stop. Jungwon knows who they're coming from, and he can't bring himself to look at what Sunghoon is saying. Probably apologizing, even though he doesn't need to; he's done nothing wrong, yet Jungwon made him feel like he did. The guilt plants it's claws deep in his gut, tearing at it. Sunghoon shouldn't have to apologize for not feeling the same way about him. It's not fair. As group leader, Jungwon needs to be better than how he's acting now. Right now, he's acting like a stupid middle schooler with a crush. Maybe the managers were right, maybe he isn't cut out for this. If he let his feelings for Sunghoon get in the way of treating Sunghoon fairly and equal to the rest of the group, he shouldn't be leader.

That is what opens the floodgates. The thought that, after all, maybe he isn't cut out for this, that even after all his work––all he's sacrificed––he's still not good enough for this. He clearly isn't good enough for Sunghoon, so why would he be good enough for anyone else? It was wishful thinking, and he realizes it too late. Tears burn his cheeks, leaving trails of warm dampness in their wake. Jungwon doesn't bother wiping them away, just lets them fall and watches as they leave wet dots on his grey pyjamas. He can't breathe, sobs wrack his body until he's doubled over on the couch. Even though his eyes have long since adjusted to the dark, he still can't see anything with the pools of tears clouding his vision.

He doesn't know how long he stays like this, hunched over and choking on his own tears. It can't be that long––he hasn't passed out yet. He's barely slept the last few days, and not at all last night. It's been hard trying to keep himself awake sitting in the dark like this, but he knows he can't fall asleep on the couch where someone can stumble in on him. The idea of sleeping in the same room as Heeseung and Sunghoon doesn't sound any better, but he hopes they'll at least have enough sense to leave him alone.