I Was First | Joshua Hong

Chapter 32

If ever life gets you and shove you somewhere dark and bottomless, look for a light and gradually climb yourself up again; it sounds rather sad than it coming out as some sort of hope, but that's basically how reality works; before you could even prevent yourself from falling down, without a heads up, you're already miserable in an unseen—unlighted hole.

And it's tiring that you have to constantly dig yourself out.. if death wasn't a choice.. then just climb up the ladder and see what life could still offer you.

Like how lamposts lit up to fill the darkness at night, Hiah has been looking for matches to light up the candle that the downs of her life persistently blows out, even if she would rub stones and woods, she would, as long as she could keep the candle alight.

She would be a hypocrite if she would end her life like what her mind intrusively tells her. She told that girl that ending her life is not a good choice — and will never be a great choice, doing so would just make her a liar and a person who doesn't live up to her words.

She wanted to atleast show that girl that death really isn't the answer and a way to end one's problems, if that girl is watching her somewhere.

That's how she has been living her life since that traumatizing incident happened, she seeked for light even though sometimes it feels like nothing will get better; she chose to continue to take her path to live up to what she told to that girl.

Three days ago when every bit of the past came back to her, on a time that she shouldn't worry about anything, at the beach where the four of them took an overnight, since then it was fortunate that there was still no school for the rest of the week, that way, she slept for almost a day everyday, she kept her mind busy by doing all sorts of things just to make herself forget the past all over again.

If ever she remembers the past, she would remember the look that, that girl gave to her—those pleading but full of anger eyes, and as it goes deeper, she would remember how those people, including the girl's mother who blamed her for doing something she wasn't at fault—she was still guilty, guilt wouldn't leave her, after all those blames she heard, it wasn't close to different that she was the one who did wrong, her guilt made herself believe that she really was the one at fault.

Hiah's brows twitched when she suddenly heard knocks on her door coming from outside. She didn't mind it and just went back to drifting herself to sleep, she just woke up minutes ago but thinking that she won't be doing anything anyway, she just tried to get back to sleep again.

The knocking became more louder and many that her face already became a frown. Her parents were both at work and she thought that it was Lily outside her room, she has no will to deal with her sister and if she does, she reckon it will just be nonsensical and will soon turn into an argument.

She was so close to putting aside her blanket and ask Lily whatever the reason for knocking on her door, but before she could even lay her finger on the hem of her blanket, she frozed when she heard an unlikely voice from outside.

"It's me, Joshua."

Her eyes rounded and she immediately stood up. Her panic was on another level knowing that Joshua was just outside her room and she just woke up, no showers, no grooming herself, no bracing herself to function when the guy is around, no nothing.

She quietly made her way to the door, briefly checking herself on the mirror while she was at it, and she looked okay..quite.

She twisted the doorknob and slowly opened the door that revealed Joshua who was standing there, he was smiling at her but there was still this teensy bit of worry that was written and evident on his face.