I Was First

Chapter 6

The moment he got out of my sight, I brought Winton back to his house as I also went back inside, and to my room.

I started my day peacefully, nothing in my head but pure peace. But that peace that I've been longing for since like monday, went away in split seconds, just because of my own mind too, just because of my unecessary feelings...

I plopped on my bed as I felt so tired and unmotivated again. I just want to get rid of these feelings. It's my body, my mind, my own feelings but why don't I have any control of it?

Ughh.

I groaned as I reached for my phone and connected it to my speaker. I played blasting songs just to maybe get this thoughts out of my head, but it didn't help one bit and instead made my mind more messed up, unabling it to think more straight.

I abruptly stopped it and threw my phone on my pillow as I stood up and went to sit on the chair on my study table. Planning on reading a comic book, just to maybe, maybe and hopefully get my mind off things that's been bothering me.

I opened the book, read the words written there but my mind was still on him, only on him and the idea of liking him.

I have feelings for him - I like him - But I must not like him - But I can't stop myself - I want to forget everything - But if I do, I'll forget him as well and the friendship we have -

Thoughts keep running inside my mind. One part is thinking of ways but the other is on the contrary. Overthinking won't do me any good nor will change anything but I can't seem to stop my own self.

Ughh! This is too much for me to handle!

"Hey, he's waiting for you out—Ah!", I snapped out from my thoughts, well, a little bit when I heard Lily, and she's on the door. She opened it, without even knocking. "You startled me! Why are you spacing out like that, you look terrifying!", After barging in inside my room like she owns it, she even has the audacity to judge me like that.

I want to get mad and shout at her so bad but I'm tired, too tired to even raise my voice a little. I heaved a deep sigh before facing her.

"Just go out, will you."

"But J-"

"I don't care, okay? I'm tired, just go out.", I could just care less whoever is waiting for me outside. I'm tired and I just want to stay in my room until I'm obliged to go out.

"Okay okay.", She took a couple of steps back, and closed the door after even sarcastically grinning at me.

I just took a deep breath and tend my eyes back to the comic book, I tried to read again but then again it was still useless, not a word can even be processed by my messed up mind.

Oh please. Can someone kindly save me from this great terror?

I'm even beginning to freak out because I've never liked anyone this way before. I'd get all excited and happy when I see him but when he's already out of sight, I would get so anxious just by the thought of liking him. I know it's okay and super normal to have these feelings for someone but... He's my best friend for pete's sake!

I admit that back then, at our childhood days we sometimes played houses, like we've pretended to be husband and wife's and talked so sweetly like we really were, but it was all just pretend, child's play.

Yes, I loved him as my friend, my pretend husband and the father of our pretend babies that are stuffed toys but I never expected myself that I will really fall in love with him!

It's actually a surprise until now.

I could feel a slight smile forming on my lips, but I don't know why. Is it because I remembered our past days? or is it because I like him now, like literally like.

My head already felt like hurting from too much thinking that I just shook my head and convinced myself that it's just all in my head, that it's a completely different part of my body and I don't really mean it.

Yes, that might actually work.

But what if he likes me too—

No way!

I literally stood up when that thought came in inside my head. How can I even think of such an impossible thing!?

What happened to me? I used to be so calm and tranquil about everything. I used to not care at all. But why am I like this? Why am I thinking intensely like this? Like my whole depends on it? Why? Just why?

Well, Rest In Peace old me. I'll surely miss you.

I'm even becoming so dramatic, so emotional like an emo, like what Dokyeom calls me.

I went to my bed as I got my phone and checked the time. There I knew that an hour has already passed ever since I came here inside my room.

Goodbye as well peaceful long weekend. You'll also be missed.

I sighed for the nth time as I soullessly made my way out of my room, my safe haven that I'd risk everything for the sake of being there but now, the way it looked so narrow now and how I overthink everything there, it felt so suffocating.

But I don't wanna say goodbye to it. Though it seemed to look so uncomfortable, I will come back.

I closed the door behind me as I went down the stairs, and the first thing that gained my senses, is the sound of the Television. Lily is probably watching those cartoons again.

Since I didn't really have anything planned out to do before leaving my room, I just went to her and sat on the other side of the couch — with a good distant.

I was about to face the TV from her but I stopped when I saw the cupcake she was holding. I've haven't eaten anything after waking up and I felt hungry just by the sight of it that i've never thought of a cupcake being so delicious and looked really appetizing.

"What are you looking at?", I looked up to her face when she suddenly asked.

"Did Mom cook us something?", She thought for awhile but shrugged her shoulders when her eyebrows furrowed.

"I don't know. I didn't check the fridge when I placed the box of cupcakes there.", I felt like I regained all my energy when I heard her say that there was a box of cupcakes in the fridge. "I'm starving too but good thing—"

"Save your words, I'm going to to the fridge.", I excitedly stood up and made my way to the fridge in harmony.

Finally!! I'm definitely going to enjoy my life now!

I opened the fridge and saw most of the things there being raw foods but the white box with a clear cover that the cupcakes inside were evident, standing out.

As I got the box, I went back to the living room and placed it on the center table. I grabbed one and happily sat again on the sofa.

I peeled off its paper and up to my first bite, I couldn't help but close my eyes and enjoy every sweet sensation.

"Joshua was the one who gave it.", I almost spit out everything out from my mouth as I opened my eyes and quickly faced her. "I mean, he said his Mom made it and was told to give us some."

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"I don't know. He looked for you when he came here."

"Why didn't you call me?", I gritted my teeth as I tried really hard to contain every annoyance that I felt.

Her brows furrowed as she glared at me. "I called you! I went inside your room but you told me to get out!"

I wanted to rant at her more but she looked like she was about to cry, so... nevermind.

"Alright, alright."

I so badly wanted to laugh at her face but at the moment when I finally had a reason to be happy, I remembered what she said.

How can I even blow my opportunity to meet him on this day?

I looked down on my hand that was holding the already forgotten cupcake. My face screwed up as I just ate it all in one bite.

  It's a precious cupcake, I can't take the risk to waste it.