but she survived | sae-byeok x ji-yeong

the only rule and you broke it

It felt free. Living in the house. But freedom doesn't come for free. Their freedom didn't come for free. It had cost. Cost 454 lives, to be exact. Parents. Daughters. Sons. Innocent people. Some more than others. The house didn't have a lot of rules. It didn't have any actually except one. You never mention Gi-hun's name. It had been Sae-byeok's idea. Firmly spoken words, not a request but a demand. Ji-yeong had nodded, silently agreed. Cheol had been lying in his bed, completely clueless to the rule and the man's existence. And Sae-byeok had sworn to herself to keep it that way. 

"So, like, have you ever been attracted to a boy?" Ji-yeong's question was more than unexpected. Sae-byeok was putting their dirty dishes in the dishwasher, rinsing the excess egg off as she looked over at her girlfriend's smirking face. She was still sitting at the now empty table as Cheol had run off to the couch, wanting to watch some TV before school. Mornings in January were nothing but cold with extra cold, so Sae-byeok could feel the warming from the floor under her clothed feet as she walked towards Ji-yeong. 

"Not really, I suppose," Sae-byeok answered, shrugging. She didn't know if she should feel ashamed by her statement. If embarrassment should be filling her entire body mercilessly. But weirdly enough, that wasn't the case. She didn't feel anything. It was just a question followed by a simple answer. Nothing more, nothing less. 

"Do you have a type?" Ji-yeong's chin was resting in her palm, eyes never leaving her girlfriend as she sat down next to her. She noticed the pink tint that slowly but surely appeared on her face. "You know, is there something you would look for in a boy. Like, um.. long hair, light brown eyes, muscular. Is there a dream boy in that pretty head of yours, huh?" 

Sae-byeok's eyes darted around the room as she thought. What was her type? She tried to imagine him. The boy of her dreams. But the image was blurry, constantly changing. Squinting her eyes slightly didn't help. She had always been against giving up, but at that very moment, it seemed like the only possibility. She felt the dissatisfaction settle inside of her as she let the hazy picture of a boy slip away. Fade. Disappear. When her eyes again reached Ji-yeong, she was already looking at her, admiration visible in the depths of her warm brown eyes. She was waiting. The phrase pressured Sae-byeok. Waiting for an answer she didn't have. "What if... looks don't really matter to me?" 

"It doesn't have to be about looks. A dream personality is also a thing. I don't know a lot of men, but there are sweet people like Ali, smart people.. like Sang-woo or a little clumsy but loving as Gi-hun-" 

Sae-byeok felt her body tense up at the name. She had had a lot of things on her mind recently, and the man wasn't one of them. The man that had died so she could live. She felt a weight on her chest as the memories flooded her head. Memories she had suppressed. That she had purposely placed in the farthest corner. They were there, but it didn't feel like it. They didn't even feel like memories. His memory didn't feel like a memory. It felt more like a haunting. Something you don't want to remember, but you know it's not going anywhere. Frustration overspread inside of her. Ji-yeong knew about the rule, why had she mentioned him? So carelessly even, just throwing it around. Good thing her little brother wasn-

"Who is Ali, Sang-woo and Gi-hun?" 

Her eyes were already cold, boring into Ji-yeong's. But when her brother's little voice asked such an innocent question, they went below freezing point. They were frozen onto Ji-yeong's so the girl couldn't look away. The name sounded wrong in her brother's mouth. He said it with curiosity, his pronunciation not completely correct due to the speed Ji-yeong had said it in. It sounded so foreign to him. Of course, it did. And Sae-byeok couldn't help but envy that. Although it didn't matter how he said it. God, he could say it as if it was the most precious word that had ever escaped his chapped lips, and it still wouldn't matter. He had said it. He knew about his existence now. And it was Ji-yeong's fault.