For Always (book one)

Chapter 14: Wants and Needs

Beau

I knew it wouldn't be long till Max would wake up and do whatever it was he was gonna do to get me outta here. I'll have to admit, I was a little nervous. I didn't know where I'd end up, but I knew I had to risk it. As much as I wanted to be selfish and stay here with Malyn, I knew I couldn't. She deserved more than that. She deserved a life; a life I didn't have to give.

All I thought about all mornin' was her. Last night was the best night of my life... and death. I just hoped I hadn't messed up. I know I didn't on my part but hoped I didn't make it worse for her. It seemed to be what she needed, though, so maybe it would be okay. Sadly, I'd never know. It made me wonder if I'd still be able to enjoy those memories after I was gone. I could survive a whole nother lifetime just relivin' last night in my mind. I hoped Malyn could, too, 'cause memories would be all she had.

I sat on the stump, waitin' on the sun to rise. I was so lost in thought that I didn't even hear Max comin' up behind me. "Good mornin'," he said cheerfully.

"Dang, you get up earlier than Nellie does."

"Well, I knew we had a lot to do, and sunrise is the best time to get started. Energy is at its purest and highest at sunrise." He stood next to me and crossed his arms, lookin' out over the river. "You sure ya wanna do this?"

"I reckon." Honestly, I wasn't sure about anything anymore.

"Well, if ya ain't ready, it won't happen. Ya gotta want it."

I thought about that for a minute and got concerned. "What if I don't want it for myself? What if I want to cross over for her? I know it's the best choice I can make for her in the long run. I wanna leave so she can be free of me." Then I pictured how our life would be if I stayed. "It's not like we can have plasma balls all over the house... hide one under my shirt when we wanna go out about town."

"I admire you for your decision. I don't think I've ever run across a situation quite like this one." He laughed, shakin' his head. "What are the odds of a girl with a gift like Malyn's movin' into a house haunted by a young man such as yourself?"

"Slim to none, I'd say."

He didn't say anything for a minute while we listened to the birds. "You ready?"

I took a deep breath. "I've been ready for the past hundred years."

"But are ya ready now?"

"Yes, sir," I said, thinkin' about Malyn. "I am."

"Then, let's get started," he said, motionin' toward the river.

I followed him to the riverbank, wonderin' what was about to happen. He stopped and started diggin' in his bag, which I hadn't even noticed he had. "So, you have done this before, right?" I asked, only half teasin'.

"Yes, many times," he replied confidently.

"How does this work, exactly?" I was gettin' nervous.

"Well—" he pulled some things out of his bag "—you'll have to do some visualizin'. I'll say a few prayers, fiddle with some of this stuff, and then we'll see what happens."

I laughed at his simple explanation. "Well, that sounds easy enough." I looked down at the river. "Where will I go when I leave here?" I'd been to church when I was alive and was even baptized in this river, but I'd also had some fun in my day, too. I'd sinned quite a bit, since then, so I didn't know where my fate rested at this point.

He looked at me, rubbin' his mustache. "I can't tell ya that," he admitted, shakin' his head.

"For the love of all that's holy." I laughed nervously. "If I end up swimmin' in a lake of fire, I'm gonna be pissed."

He laughed, too, and tried to reassure me I'd be alright. "I know for a fact you don't have to worry about that. You gave your life to save another." He laid out different things in a circle on the bank. "Now, you'll have to go to where ya converted. Try to get as close to the exact spot as ya can."

I stood on the edge of the bank, lookin' back toward the house. When I turned back around, I saw Max watchin' me. "I just wanted to make sure they couldn't see us," I lied. I descended down the bank, stoppin' as I got to the water. "Will ya tell Nellie I said thanks and that I said goodbye? I want her to know I appreciate her hospitality."

"I'd be happy to."

"Thanks. And I appreciate your help, too."

"No problem," he said as I turned back toward the river.

I knew the water was ice cold, so I was glad I couldn't feel it, which caused me to think about something. "Max, how can I still have human experiences and feelin's... like with Malyn?" I didn't want to say too much, but I had been wonderin' that since last night.

"Well, durin' my research, I found that anything you—spirits—did when ya were alive, you can do in your manifested state. If you cried then, ya can cry now. And your feelins' may even be heightened 'cause you're in your purest form. It's like your spirit, in its solid form, has a memory reconsolidation in which previously consolidated memories can be made labile again through reactivation of the memory trace—" he smiled and shrugged "—in theory."

I simply smiled back and shook my head, not understandin' most of what he'd just said. But I did know that I'd never felt for anyone the way I did for Malyn, so the heightened feelin's part made sense.

I got to where I needed to be and looked at Max. "Okay, this is it."

"This is it," he agreed as he stared at me, almost as if he was lookin' through me, then looked up at the sky. "The sun's comin' up—" he looked back at me "—so, if you're ready, let's get started."

For some reason, I started thinkin' about my family: Ma and Pa, my brothers and sisters. It had been so long since I'd seen 'em, but I still missed 'em like crazy. I hoped that wherever I went, they'd be there. Then I thought about Malyn, hopin' I'd see her again someday, too. The thought of livin' without her hurt, but I wouldn't have to hurt much longer, I hoped. And hopefully, she wouldn't, either.

I looked up at Max, knowing I was makin' the right decision. "I'm ready."