PLAYGROUND 2100 [선우] ᴇɴ⁃

10: not soulmate

day: 21

~~

     It was 9 at night. Her shift finally ended, so she just walked home alone for almost an hour from the convenience store. She hugged herself as the weather was getting cold when the sky was getting darker and darker. Seems like it was going to rain again tonight, so she fastened her steps, hoping she would not get soaked again.

Chaewol stopped at the playground, looking around the place with a warm smile. She still remembers the moment of old her keep climbing and lying on the slide while waiting for Sunoo to walk past the playground every time it almost 9 pm. She remembers the moment she always read comics and wrote a diary on the slide and swing-- and it honestly made her smile again.

she misses those moments.
how she misses, she could be so energetic as she used to be. she misses herself who is always being so loud in school. she misses herself who always fights with kids at the playground. she misses the old version of herself so much.
the pain that she got, the sickness that she faced right now took her happiness away.

she was no longer wearing the wide smile on her face. she was no longer laughing out loud like she always did when she was reading her comic. she was no longer trying to take Sunoo's attention anymore. she hates herself for being this way. she looks like a loser.

Chaewol lost herself again. every time she was thinking of her sickness, a huge part of her was telling her to give up on the surgery and just disappear without leaving any regrets. her mind keep telling her to give up because there is no way she could get the tons of money to pay for the cost and it also kept telling her to give up because the surgery is so risky to be done.  

what's the point of working so hard and getting tons of money but ending up dying because the surgery is failed?

it would be so useless.

it's better to slowly die instead of dying after having the risky surgery.

her mind thought.

chaewol, do you think your feeling might get returned? is that why you still want to live? is that why you work so hard to have the surgery? to grow old together with him? to be with him forever?

Why should he care about you when his love gets sick?
his love is dying, and of course, he wants to protect her.
you're just nothing to him. even you're dying, there's no reason for him to protect you.

just leave. forget everything and move on.
the world is so cruel. what's the point of fighting for your sickness? you will get hurt anyway.

chaewol, give up.

just give up.

Chaewol shut her eyes and fell on her knee before hugging herself tightly. She shook her head and hit her head to stop thinking of negative things that will take her down.