After The End: Book 1

33. Emotional Rollercoaster

Harry's POV

"The lack of faith you had in me was disheartening," I commented. I was referring to how she'd immediately checked my eyes when I'd mentioned the cocaine table. We walked down the empty silent street in the dark, side by side without touching. She looked cold, but wouldn't stand closer to me, given the newfound effort at a platonic friendship. Neither of us had grabbed jackets, since Louis was supposed to be our ride. "Also thanks for not telling me your actual name. That wasn't shocking or anything, I assure you."

Lux sighed. "You told me a week ago that you were sure you'd relapse. I'm sorry for wanting to know what I was dealing with. You weren't even making sense and you never even explained why you're covered in booze." Lux had several valid points about how trustworthy I'd made myself. "And don't call me Alex. I'm Lux to you."

"And why does Stella get to know you as Alex?" I questioned annoyed.

"Because Lux means light and because I'm not offering light to some random woman that you've slept with." Lux sounded like she was scowling. She was very observant apparently. It hadn't been explicitly said but I could imagine how she'd caught on.

We walked in silence for a moment while I tried to figure out how to argue with that. Nothing was coming to mind.

"I almost sat down at the cocaine table," I said looking forward. "I didn't though."

"Why didn't you?" Lux asked me. I could feel her eyes on me but I kept on walking with my eyes on the path before me.

"To spite the parts of myself I don't like," I said airily.

Out of the corner of my eye, I caught her smile.

The walk had deflated some of the more tense parts of me. I was beginning to realize that I had preformed well. I'd panicked, but I'd held it together long enough to get out unscathed. I'd done it without help. I'd definitely wanted help but when it hadn't came I'd still held it together anyways. It was messy, but I got out. I wanted to take pride in that, but mostly I was tired.

"I want to go to bed," I muttered turning us down another side street. I knew where I was going, even in the dark, better than most. London's neighborhoods had become familiar to me. I'd wandered home at night quite often. Even now, with the sluggish memory of my soup brain, I recognized most streets and if I took us on a wrong turn, I corrected us quickly.

Lux laughed. "It's only 10."

I frowned. With my exhaustion, I'd assumed it was later. Then I realized I was getting the start of the dizzying feeling that was normally followed by a head rush. I had over done it. I should have stopped smoking when Louis told me to. "We need to take a break then," I admitted.

I stepped off the sidewalk onto a grass patch and sat down, ignoring how damp it felt beneath me. I looked around at our surroundings and recognized the small playground and pleasant trees of the quiet neighborhood. Streetlights illuminated every few feet of the empty sidewalk. I loved parks. We were only about halfway to Louis flat. I could totally wait here and just make him come get us.

Lux raised her eyebrows at me and then walked to the bench 3 feet away and smiled. I stayed on the ground.

"Have you been sleeping okay?" She asked almost at random.

I frowned. "I'm fine."

"That's not what I asked," she pressed staring into me.

I laid back down onto the grass and felt the cold dew water soak through my shirt. "I miss having you there at night," I said with my eyes closed. I wasn't supposed to say that. We didn't talk about those things. We hadn't mentioned that she'd ever been in my bed ever after that last night. We pretended it never happened, although I continued sleeping up against the wall, away from her side. It was just habit. "Sorry, I know that's not what I'm supposed to say."