After The End: Book 1

8. Realizations

Naomi's POV

When I was young, like every other little girl out there, I dreamed of finding my prince charming that would whisk me away, knock me off my feet, and make me fall in love. Louis was my prince charming.

Weeks passed after new years. There was hardly a day that we did not see each other. We watched movies and kissed and cuddled and I spent the night frequently. We spent each day together normally at his flat where he tried to control Harry and spend time with me at the same time. Harry, he told me, was becoming nearly un- manageable

The problem wasn't that he was doing drugs. He was sober, Louis was sure of it. Harry had spent several weeks in ugly withdrawal, barely leaving his room and surfacing for very short periods. He kept the door open and Louis said he spent most days in bed, wide awake, staring into the dark.

The problem, for the first time in Louis life was that Harry wouldn't do drugs. A certain drug to be exact. He was refusing to go back on his anti depressants and the impact was catastrophic.

Of course every few days he would break and find himself a bottle to drink. He'd done it when I was over too. He would slip out of his room quietly, choose a bottle from the kitchen and then wander back to his room to sit on his bed and drink it sip by sip until he lay catatonic in his room in a drunken slumber. Louis said be almost never slept otherwise. Some days he would pick fights with Louis while drunk. Louis would question his binge drinking behavior and he would yell or cry or make a general fool out of himself before drunkenly coming to his senses and leaving the room to sleep it off. He wouldn't talk about the behavior. Louis wouldn't throw out the booze for fear Harry would leave the house in search of alcohol or worse. At least at home, he knew what was happening.

"It's so stupid," Louis said over lunch. "He said if he kept taking them because he needs them, then why doesn't he take cocaine because he needs to get high."

"Antidepressants and cocaine are two very different things." I said confused.

"Not to Harry. He sees it like this: he's either on drugs or not. No in between. He's been trying to lay off the other things but antidepressants? Those actually help him. Without them? He's a moody mess! He becomes dreadful to be around!" Louis summation of events was accurate. Harry was becoming awful to be around. Something was deeply off center in him. He wasn't doing anything but drinking and laying in bed. He wasn't communicating. It was scary to watch.

"Well you can always force him to.... Threaten to kick him out if he doesn't take them." I suggested sarcastically.

"I'm not going to force him to take pills. I worked way to hard to keep him off them. I worked way to hard to keep him off things." We were silent for a long time. "What are those?" He pointed to the packet of papers under my hands.

"Job applications." I muttered. The truth was I was about to loose my apartment unless I figured out how to pay rent. My job sucked and my new roommate didn't help much.

"Have you thought about what I said?" He asked concerned. His blue eyes flashed at mine and I looked away.

He'd offered to let me move in with him and Harry a few day ago. It seemed like a joke but he was very much serious. As much as I wanted desperately to say yes, some unspoken force was keeping me back. It wasn't realistic. We barely knew each other in the grand scheme of things. "I can't Lou," I said softly. "Haz needs you to focus on him. If I was there all the time he wouldn't get any attention." That part was surely true. Harry was currently in his room laying in his bed in the dark, probably waiting for me to leave. He would pop out of his room, though rarely to acknowledge my presence in the house sometimes. Normally a quick wave on his way to the rest room or to the kitchen. Once he sat down at the table with us. It didn't last long. He was jittery. His hands fumbled and his knee bounced nervously before he'd gone back to his room apparently too anxious to be social. He never even properly joined the conversation. Another time, he'd joined us on the couch as we watched a soap opera, which Louis said was Harry's favorite. He sat at the far edge away from us and stared at the tv blankly as if it weren't even on. Then, a character had walked out carrying a crying child. Harry had flinched at the infants piercing scream, covered his ears and returned back to his room. Louis said he was better just the two of them but only slightly more so. After I left everyday, Louis would go to his room, partake in awkward conversations and then rinse and repeat to keep him slightly engaged.

He frowned, clearly disappointed. "Well the offers still there."

He kissed me before we parted ways and I headed back to my apartment. I had taken the trolley, trying to save money on gas so it took me a long ride through London to reach home. When I arrived, I found my roommate Lux was home with her boyfriend Steven. They were in a passionate lip lock on the couch and didn't notice me come in. I was shocked at first and hesitated in the doorway.

"Hey?" I said nervously.

They pulled apart and looked at me irritably. "Bad timing Naomi!" Lux laughed.

"Sorry... Um I'll just go..." I went to walk off to my room. I didn't know Lux incredibly well, but her boyfriend was a complete stranger to me. I didn't want to see him undressed, which was where this seemed to be going.

"Wait!" Steven said loudly. He looked at Lux. There was a silent understanding between the two of them. She nodded. She waved him off and he rose, walking his way to Luxs room and closing the door.

"Sit down," Lux tapped the spot next to herself.

I sat down nervously. Me and Lux only spoke on occasion. We'd only known each other a few months and we'd only lived together a short time. Still, she often confided in me about her relationships or her family matters. I was more reserved. I didn't mention Louis for fear of publicizing our relationship. He still dealt with the paps occasionally. Instead, I regarded him as "the boy" affectionately. That was as personal as I ever got during these talks.

"Don't take this the wrong way Naomi..." Lux trailed off.

"I'd this about rent?" I said quickly with a worried look.

Lux laughed. "No don't worry, I don't have rent money either."

"That doesn't help me not worry," I said dejectedly. Maybe me and Louis really would have to shack up.

"Have you gained weight?" Lux asked plainly. She didn't look in any way sympathetic about the issue.

My eyes widened in surprise at statement. "Um... What??" It was such an offensive thing to say! Granted I was a very small person. I'd barely hit 120 pounds soaking wet. I was very short and very thin. Lately though, since dating Louis and spending so much time at his house, I'd given up on many of my healthier ways. Louis cooking especially was hard to turn down in any situation. I'd gained a little, but nowhere near enough to notice. Or so I thought.

"You've gained weight." Lux said nervously. "I don't know, we're worried about you."

"Why?" I said self consciously. I hugged my torso and looked away from her. I could feel my face turning red. Why would she even start a conversation like this?

"You and your pretty boy are being safe right?" She blurted loudly.

I was taken off guard. "We're not--...... We haven't-- I mean..... Of course!" I said embarrassed. My stuttering gave way to some uncertainty and I suddenly racked my brain trying to make sure I wasn't lying. I was pretty sure... right? I'd been careful... right? Yet as I thought back on the past month, there had been nights where I didn't really remember through the kisses and giggles and cuddles... I suddenly felt like a common school girl.

Lux sighed in relief. "You'd tell me if you were pregnant right?" Lux sounded sincere. She was such a good friend but right now I wished she couldn't speak. This was a conversation I'd have with my mother in secondary school, not here with her boyfriends ear likely pressed to the door.

I nodded quickly and rushed to my room, my face burning. It was almost as embarrassing as Harry confronting Louis in the hospital about that night, which by the way, had been completely safe.

Even then... Nothing was fool proof.

Could I be pregnant? I was doubtful. Me and Louis had been careful I thought. But still. Anything could happen. Things go wrong sometimes. Any year ten health student knew that.

I was being ridiculous. I was gaining weight because I was stressed. Things with Harry were stressful to both me and Louis. And I was so new to their dynamic and Louis was an amazing cook and I was just nervous. Lux was just scaring me a little. And even if I was pregnant it would be way too early to gain weight. Everything was fine.

But what if it wasn't fine?

I turned out of my room and started towards the door.

"Lux!" I called trying to calm the quivering in my voice. "I'm going to the store!"

Then I was gone. I was fine. It would be fine.