The Hero Killings

18

Carter had finally gotten Asher back to sleep, Asher had cried for over an hour before he gave into sleep again. Carter held him as he slept trying to give him that feeling of safety and care. Carter wanted him to know he was there, that if he was scared or hurt he would be there for him. He didn't know how to help him through the nightmares or the fear, but he wanted him to feel he was safe. "Asher," Carter muttered against his temple, "I love you and will always be here."

Asher adjusted in his hold but didn't wake, his body was exhausted from the sobbing.

Carter gave him a soft kiss before finally falling asleep again as well, the morning sunshine shown through the window waking Carter. He sat up and realized Asher wasn't in his arms.

"Asher, Asher?" Carter raced towards the bathroom but didn't see him, he looked everywhere but didn't see him. He raced towards the car, Asher knew he wasn't supposed to leave his sight, especially with the news coverage. As he got to the car he threw open the door, Asher was asleep in the back seat clutching something in his hand. Carter managed to get whatever was in his hand out. It was a note.

The words written across it were simple.

I'm Sorry

Carters heart began beating quickly, his stomach dropped. Carter turned him over and realized he wasn't sleeping, a pool of blood covered the seat he was laying on. "No, no no Asher..no." Carter picked him up and rushed him inside the motel room, laying him on the bed he finally found the wound, he had cut open the same wound that Valery had given him.

Carter was quick to sew it up, cleaning the wound he began to do CPR. "Come on come on wake up Asher wake up wake up." Asher sputtered waking up the coughing. Asher's eyes were wide when he realized he wasn't dead.

"What did you do?"

"What did I do? What did you do?!" Carter pulled him into his arms, Asher fought with him to get him off. "Asher, baby."

"I was trying to die, and you messed that up. Why why would you want to bring me back? Why do you want me alive? Why?"

Carter held him close. "Because I love you." Asher sobbed harder, the pain in his body searing he hated himself that he was still alive but also that he had done it. That he had hurt himself, but that he was also still breathing. "Asher I thought you promised me you wouldn't do this?"

"I..that was before I killed you in my dream and felt good...felt like I was free. I will only be free when I am dead Carter."

Carter stared at him with wide eyes, "You liked killing me in your dream?" He was hurt, he wanted to cry or hurt something or both.

"No, I didn't like it. But something told me when you were dead I was free, and that doesn't feel right. That's why I said the only way for me to be free is for me to be dead."

Carter was hesitant about what to say to him. "Asher if you don't want to be here then leave."

Asher froze, the blood spot on his shirt stuck to him and he was shivering. "No."

"Then what do you want?"

"I don't have that answer.." He sobbed dropping his head in his hands. "Please...I don't..I don't know."

"I am putting you on suicide watch." Carter finally stated. "The leash is going to have to come back, or handcuffing you to the bed during the night."

"What?" Asher felt panic flair through him. "You can't do that."

"I can and I will, I have to, you almost killed yourself. If I hadn't found you then you would be dead right now."

"You..you promised me you wouldn't do that to me. Tie me up anymore unless I ask for it."

"You promised me you would live for me and you didn't. Between the two you are breaking more of a promise. Breaking something more important, and I cannot stand for that. You have to live for me, you have to live for yourself. You need to promise me that you will never ever do that again, but I cannot let you out of my sight now. I made you a promise, and I am going to keep that. We are going back to your family's grave sight. So you can see them, but then we are going to live life my way until you are better."

"How is your way going to work?"

"Killing makes me feel better, I know it doesn't make you feel better. So we will find something that makes you feel better."

"I can't do that..I can'..Carter please."

"No." Carter had finally put his foot down, he didn't give Asher much of a chance to fight him on it. Carter pulled Asher's shirt off to get the bloody shirt off his body, dried blood stuck to him. "I am not going to give you a choice here, you and I are going to bring that smile back o your face. I hope to see you smiling again, killing by my side again if you want to, or we will settle down and start a family if that is what you want. I just need you to stop hurting yourself..and to smile."

Asher nodded lowering his head as he thought about what to do next, he wanted to scream or throw something at him. His heart was beating quickly, he had almost done it, and now he was hating himself for even making that attempt. "I'm sorry." He finally managed out. "Really sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you.."

Carter looked him over, his lips were in a thin line, he was having a lot of thoughts run through his head at the moment and was unsure about how to respond without upsetting or hurting Asher or himself more. However he was extremely angry, and hurt. "I thought we talked about this already Asher and I trusted you. I have changed everything for you, to be with you. I thought we talked about this and you promised me you would live for me, that you wouldn't leave me at least not like that. I could handle you leaving me by walking away and living a normal life Ash..but not like this. I cannot loose you. I cannot loose you and never be able to see you again Asher. I need you to be mine. I need you to love me and I need you to breath and live for me."

Asher dropped his eyes to his hands, he scanned the now sewn wound that he had caused himself.

He knew he shouldn't have done it, Valery was right he was weak.

"I didn't mean to hurt you." Asher managed out through tears.

Carter sat at the edge of the bed messing with the sheet. "Well you did." Asher caught his breath, his lip quivered more and his sobbing grew louder. He wanted Carter to just hold him and forgive him and that wasn't what he was receiving. "Asher, I am sorry but we are going to have to do something to fix this. I need to put you on watch, and that means the cuffs are coming back. That means rules are coming back, and you have to listen Ash. I can't loose you."

"Ru..rule..rules?" Asher hiccupped. His body shook, he attempted to move away from Carter more pushing himself against the bedframe but the pain in his abdomen stopped him, Carter turned to look at him. His once bright eyes were now dark and cold.

"It is for your own good baby."

Asher's eyes darted between him and the door.

"Carter please..please I can't do that again."

"You can and you will, you are my strong brave boy. You can do it. I know you can Asher." Asher sobbed harder, knowing there was a chance going back to rules and cuffs could turn Carter back to the old ways, and his entire world would never be the same again. He realized this was his punishment for the sins he had committed, this was his personal hell, he would have to live with the choices he had made. Carter stood, planted a kiss on his forehead and turned away again. "I need to go clean the car up before people notice."

Asher nodded, he wasn't going anywhere and Carter knew it.