Diary of The Members of The Darkness Collective

Just... Late Night Venting. [💜]

Playing therapist even with Hannibal or Lindsay Fronting with me is hard.

A long distance, fully committed relationship is hard.

Being in different timezones is hard.

Sleeping alone without him is hard.

Everything is just tiring and hard and sad and suffocating, but I keep going because I love them so much. I don't want to make the same stupid mistakes I made in the past.

I don't wanna hurt anyone, I don't want to make them cry, I don't want to upset them, I don't want to do anything that's considered wrong by anyone's standards, I just want to make everyone fucking happy.

I love them, and I love my friends, I love everyone I ever meet and goddamnit; I just have so much fucking love in my stupid, dumb, broken heart. Everything is hard yet love keeps me alive and keeps me from just giving up like a coward.

So I smile for them, I make jokes, I make fun of myself; I focus on them and not myself because if I focus too much on myself then it becomes a problem and then I'm a drag on everyone and I don't want that; so I refuse to acknowledge my mental health problems so my friends and my partner can be happy.

That's what's normal to me and that will probably be normal to me for the rest of my fucking life; and I'm probably just gonna be fine with that because fuck it. As long as someone smiles at me then I win, I succeed, I fulfilled my purpose that I was literally trained like a dog for since I was but a wee lass of 6 years old.

But some days get really, really bad and some nights get even worse because no matter what I try to imagine; my body pillow will never ever suffice for hearing his heartbeat again or feeling his warmth against my cheek or just hearing his soft breathing along with my own, and feeling his arms around me as if shielding me from the entire outside world itself to the point that only we exist and only we matter and it's peaceful and I feel loved and happy and I don't feel fucking alone anymore and I love him so much for rekindling that feeling again after I thought I'd never feel it again.

...By the Gods I worship, I feel like I am the loneliest person in the fucking world despite being surrounded by love and friends.

And feeling this stupidly lonely while having people to care about me?

It just feels so fucking selfish to me to feel this way. Depression is such an asshole disorder to have and it gets romanticized so much to the point it doesn't look like depression, it just looks like having an infantile version of Daddy Issues and that pisses me off too.

But I guess no matter what happens to me or us in this world; no matter what cuts or bruises I have yet to gain in this cruel gift of a game we call Life, at the end of the day; as long as someone still cares, still smiles, still laughs at my jokes...

Then I have a reason to live.