COUNTDOWN: Enchanted to meet you

One - 24h : 59m :30s and going

JULIE

Watching how the digital alarm clock flew across the room and shattered into the wall reminded me of the various reasons why using my phone as an alarm was never an option for me and I was grateful.

"Did you break another alarm?" I heard from downstairs and let out a loud groan.

One thing I never sacrifice in life is sleep. No matter what. Even if I'm going to die the next day, I'll still sleep the night before.

why?

Because sleep is relaxing.

That's also one of the ways to escape reality and so is death.

Maybe they are the same.

Death = sleep

unveiling the new einstein.

Maybe what everyone and every religion said about death was wrong and death was just like sleep.

Not scary at all if you think of it that way right?

"Julie I know you are awake?" I heard my father's voice outside my door and immediately covered my head with my blanket.

There was an attempt of a knock before I heard my door squeek open.

"Should I get you another alarm?" he asked sitting on my bed. I let out another groan turning myself to the other side.

"Really? Am I being mocked right now?"

"No but Are you gonna spend the whole day in bed today too?"

wrong! it was still scary. Especially if I had to imagine what my family will go through after that.

But it's my fault.

Everything that's happening right now in my family is my fault and it hurts so much to look at them everyday knowing they were like this because of me.

"Please let me be, Dad. It doesn't matter if I get out of bed or not"

maybe dying was a good idea. Everything will be put in place without me in the equation and there could actually be a happily ever after.

"Are you sure about that?" My father asked trying to pull down my blanket but I resisted.

"I want to be alone please"

He let out a breath finally letting go of the blanket.

"I understand, all this is so hard on you and it must be so scary." he paused for a minute and I knew exactly what he was going to say next.

You know you don't have to

"You know you don't have to---"

"Dad!" I cut in and he immediately shut up.

"I'm just saying. No one wants you to do it. Everyone has been so worked up and your mother hasn't eaten anything in --"

"Dad!" This wasn't the time to listen to what everyone else has been going through because of me. I know what they've been going through and I'm trying to fix it.

"Okay fine I'll leave" He muttered finally getting up. I heard my door open.

"At least come join us for breakfast today okay?"

"Please go".

Immediately I heard the door close, I got out of bed to my desk and took out my notebook.

Checklists have always been how I've lived every second of my life.

*wake up at 7

*do the dishes at 2

*buy Geometry book

*remember to return the book to the library...

Everything.

It also helped me remember to do stuff I know I'll probably forget.

If you ever took my big blue diary and looked through, you'd feel like you were watching every single second of my boring life (unless you add the countless times I sneaked out of the hospital to parties) and I don't mind because that's how I've gotten used to doing stuff and strangely enough, I've never left any item on my checklist unchecked.

Well, except that one time in 3rd grade when I was suppose to meet my friend, Kelly at the park and wrote that down.

That morning, I started to feel pain in my upper abdomen but because I didn't want the playdate to be cancelled, I ignored it. 10 minutes into the ride to the park, it became unbearable and before I knew it, I was rolling off my bike and down the steep hill by the Pentecost church. Next thing I knew, I was in the hospital and my life was flashing before me.

That's the first time we all found out I was sick

If people were asked what they would do if they had just one more day to live, I bet most of them would have a long list of everything they've ever wanted to do. Some would want to go to the beach, amusement park, an Island, a different country... some others would want to eat foods they've never tried before and the others would like to go rebellious for the last time.

In my opinion, all these activities are great. They are awesome but like the old saying, "it's easier said than done".

The reality of the matter is, you'll not actually want to do all that. At least not until you have gone through all the stages of depression and have finally accepted the fact that, that will be the last time you could ever do all that and nothing can be done about it. Then you accept your fate.

That's where I am now.

I won't say it was easy getting here because it wasn't, at all.

Everything was just too much to take in at first so I kept denying it. When it finally sank in, I spent 2 whole weeks locked in and crying like it was going to change something. And then the scarier parts came when I kept wondering what it would be like after I'm gone.

Will it be like I never existed? Or will I go through judgement like most religions say. If really I will, where will I go? Can I become a ghost?

This stage passed by really quickly too and before I knew it, I was accepting the fact that I was going to die and even making jokes of it sometimes.

That's how prepared I had become until this morning when I woke up and the real reality hit me that today was really my last day on earth.