The voice: „Open the fucking door and eat with us dinner or u will regret it. And also u can stay in your room for another 4 days don't want to see your face!"
I hear foot steps walking away from my door.
Now I realize that I'm shaking. My heart is racing like if I ran a marathon. His voice is always scary but when he yells it's even worse it scares me to death. I try to calm down and focus on something else like the night sky but the moon is hiding behind the clouds again. It's like his voice made the magic disappear. Distraction doesn't work at all the words keep repeating in my head.
I know It's stupid not going to eat with them and that I will regret it later but seeing people right now will just trigger my anger and I don't wanna freak out again.
I hear foot steps coming back in my rooms direction.
Some more knocking, less aggressiv then before but still aggressive enough for me to start shaking even more.
The voice: „You know what just stay in your room, I had enough of that drama. I'm sick of waiting for you all the time. You shouldn't eat so much anyways. It really shows that you gained your weight back."
Oh Shit shit shit
Here we go again my head is going crazy.
I had this a couple of times before but it never was so bad like it is now.
My thoughts are getting more and more. My inner voice is screaming and shouting at me. It feels like fire that starts spreading. The thoughts are getting darker and meaner and won't stop.
Everything seems to be so blurry kind of unreal but I know that this is happening. This is reality. It's my reality. And I have to face it.
My eyes start to tear up and my anger starts to take over my body.
Now my brain just kinda stops working in the right way and everything is just going down. This is what falling feels like not in the romantic kind of way or something like that. It's falling from an mentally stable position to and unstable mess that is shattered in pieces.
My thoughts starts resorting while I'm running through my room:
This fucking asshole why can't he just leave me alone. I know what he thinks of me, he thinks I'm nothing. That I am useless and a waste of space.
I know I'm stupid. He doesn't have to tell me.
Like shit I have other probs then caring about his shit.
I can't let my anger control me. But I'm tired of fighting I am not strong enough for a fight against myself it's pointless like anything else.
The next thing my body does is running to my desk... I know what's happening now, I'm searching for it:
...That thing that takes pain away
...That thing that numbs me and makes me feel alive again
...That thing that fills my emptiness
....That thing that seems to help but actually just causes more pain
...That thing I got addicted to after a dumb joke.
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Okay that's it with Part II. It's still not perfect and I'm pretty insecure about posting it but here ya go:)
