23 Attempts at Love

Chapter 3: Serenade Me

This chapter is a short one, but it's worth adding purely for my own stroll down memory lane.

I'd just started my second year of A-Levels which meant that I was now in the most senior year group in the whole school. We ruled the roost, and there was now a crowd of other sixth-formers sharing our block, with a whole bunch of kids new to the school.

One such new addition was Toby: a stocky rugby player with a mop of tangled white-blonde hair and a crooked smile. My locker was put in the same room as his and we got talking: he was sweet, awkward, nervous and put deep thought into everything he said and did. He played the guitar in the corridors and performed at the first school show in a move which impressed most people, and set him out as a "softie" in the eyes of most of the rugby team. Still, he was built like an earthquake-proof portaloo, so nobody ever said anything to him.

Toby started taking a liking to me, but he reminded me of my brother Sam too much and, besides, he was younger and I was applying for courses and trying to decide my entire future. These precious few months, in my soon-to-be-18-year-old eyes, were the most important months in my life.

My friends found it hilarious: the puppy-dog eyes, the longing stares, the research he clearly conducted every evening when he went home when I mentioned I liked something specific he didn't know about. It was never going to happen.

What do you do when a girl you like doesn't like you back? You write her a song. More specifically, you wait until she's alone in the corridor and then you appear from round the corner, clutching your guitar and sing her the song. Make sure you include the chorus which specifies exactly how much it hurts and how I'm breaking your heart, and then sing that bit repeatedly until you fade out. Make sure you sing it with so much emotion you could win a Grammy.

Finally, when she grabs her best friend who has finally arrived to go to lunch with you, walk away backwards back round the corner silently. Never speak to her again. The end.