23 Attempts at Love

Chapter 7: Petty Revenge

I was back on Tinder. No, I hadn't learned my lesson. I sat around with my friends in our house and scrolled through the various options, laughing at embarrassing bios and gross pictures. We screamed every time someone posted a picture of their sausages and took shots for every shirtless bathroom selfie we found. Even the guys joined in.

"Why would guys even post stuff like this?" Marcus asked, groaning as he flicked through yet another hilarious profile I'd found, which featured a variety of fish the guy had caught. At least he'd be able to put food on the table, I'd joked. Marcus especially prided himself on being cool and mysterious and aloof and refused to set himself up with an online profile. He also refused to talk to girls in nightclubs. Instead, he preferred to set himself up in the smoking area with a leather jacket and a brooding stare, and wait for some poor girl to come over to him. This same guy also watched the whole of Aladdin and sang every single song with me at 11pm after my break up with Seth.

"Luce, is this one of Seth's friends? Do you know him?" Sasha asked, showing me a profile on her phone of a guy called Ryan. She'd kept Seth as a friend on Facebook so we could keep an eye on his profile, and her Tinder showed that Seth was a mutual friend. I frowned.

"I think he might be his cousin..." I said, inspecting the guy's face. She flicked through a couple of photos and found the confirmatory evidence: a family photo taken at a barbecue. Ryan was stood right next to Seth.

"They look a bit similar," Sasha said, flipping the phone round again. "I mean, it's a definite no from me." She added with a dramatic swish of her finger.

"He's definitely a cousin," I said. I remembered him mentioning the family gathering and his cousin Ryan. They didn't see each other very often but they played football against each other a few times a year and kept in touch quite regularly.

A few swipes later Ryan appeared on my screen. Will was looking over my shoulder and Katy squealed. This was a spectator sport for her: she was fully loved-up with her boyfriend by now and it was a rare treat to have her for a full evening without him making an appearance.

"That whole family must be pretty ugly!" She declared. We flicked through the photos again together.

"You're not going to match with him, are you?" Will asked, noticing my finger had paused on the screen.

"Well..." I said. I couldn't help it. I wanted the ego boost, and the satisfaction of knowing my ex's cousin might break the bro code.

We matched as soon as my finger swept across the screen. I smirked.

"What are you going to do if he messages you?" Will asked with an expression which said "what the fuck is wrong with you?"

"Probably message him back," I said.

"This sounds like playing with fire," Will said sternly. But then he laughed.

"It's like revenge for all the shit he did to you!" Sasha laughed too. "Plus, you might end up dating... Imagine the family reunion!"

"There is no way I'm getting involved with his family again. They'll try to impregnate me" I retorted.

Ryan sent me the first message that evening: a boring "hey" which I sighed at and usually wouldn't reply to, but the initial satisfaction of the match had worn off and I wanted something to rub into Seth's face if I ever saw him again. Ryan made it clear within the evening what he was after, and he gave no indication that he recognised me at all or even knew who I was. I'd blocked Seth on everything including eBay (because yes, he tried to contact me on there once) and there was no trace of him on social media anymore. Ryan had nothing to suspect.

"Did Ryan end up messaging you?" Katy asked the next morning on the walk to campus.

"Ah, yeah he did. He's pretty boring," I told her.

"You've got better options than that," she replied. "There's so many attractive guys on Tinder nowadays. What about that Jonty guy you were talking to the other day?"

"The waiter at the Italian down the road? I'm still talking to him! But he's super into lacrosse and I get the feeling if he ever asks me on a date it'll be worked around lacrosse practice. I'm not feeling it at the moment."

"I don't miss single life," Katy says.

"I like it sometimes. It's better than dating some people," I pointed out.

"God, yeah. You do know how to pick them. Hopefully that's just a blip. It'll be nice just to take some time to work on yourself for a bit, you know?"

"That's what I'm planning, I think. I don't want to be one of those girls who bounces from boy to boy," I said. (Ironic, since this is the entire basis of this book).

I considered unmatching Ryan multiple times in the few days since we first matched. His conversation was boring, he had zero personality and the literary skills of a peanut holding a pencil. But I hated Seth so much. I wanted some form of revenge, even if it was the pettiest thing I'd ever done. Would I really consider sleeping with someone just to piss my ex off? I think I would. It was a special occasion.

I organised the meet for the Sunday evening after a trip home for the weekend to see my parents: Ryan lived near to Birmingham train station in what turned out to be a pretty dingy house he shared with three other people. He came to fetch me from the station and offered to hold my bag, but I refused: there were no pretences here. I didn't want him holding my bag and pretending to be a gentleman when we both knew what I was there for. I didn't want to get any feelings crossed here, and especially not with Seth's cousin.

It's awkward going round to someone's house for this kind of thing. I sat on the bed awkwardly while he stood awkwardly by the door next to the bag I'd left on the floor. We chatted awkwardly and I tried to make a couple of jokes but they fell flat and neither of us really knew what to say.

The sex was terrible. It was just like his entire personality and conversation: boring, and for one purpose only.

I lay there for a second when he'd finished. I'd gotten what I wanted out of it: petty revenge on my ex for being the worst person I'd ever met. I mentioned it to Ryan before I left when I spotted a family photo perched on a shelf in the corner:

"How do you know this guy?" I asked, innocently pointing to my ex's face, with his snaggle-toothed grin. He was obviously stood at the front of the picture: you wouldn't have been able to see him at the back.

"That's my cousin," he said lazily. Didn't wonder why I'd asked.

"Ah right. That's my ex," I told him. I wanted him to know because I wanted him to mention it to his cousin. The whole family. I wanted them all to dislike me. Except for his cat, Olive, who I loved because she got no attention from anyone else and would always sit in my lap when I visited.

I walked back to my student house smugly.

"Where have you been?" Sasha asked, noticing the look on my face when I walked in. I told her what I'd done, who I'd been with.

"That's kind of gross and I'm proud of you," Will grinned.

"That's disgusting," Alin said. He hadn't seen much of the fallout from my breakup: he tended to avoid crying and Disney films in favour of drinking with his boxing friends.

"That's amazing," Will said, laughing and high-fiving me. The group was split: Katy was horrified, Sasha found it hilarious, Alin said he wouldn't come near me until I'd showered and the rest of the boys all agreed they would do the same if they were me.

"It's like sleeping with your ex's sister, isn't it? How many guys would say they'd do that if they were given the chance? I bet most of them," Marcus pointed out.