Unsent Letters-Deamus

Dear Dean,

Dear Dean,

I miss you. It seems to be all that I have been thinking about. Which sounds pretty stupid, doesn't it? Well, anyway, Hermione, Ron, and Harry have not shown up yet, not that I expected them too. I mean, Hermione is muggle born too and it makes sense that her best friends would stay with her, couldn't you ask me to come with you? I would have come. I would have. Maybe that is why you didn't offer, because you knew I would. You knew I would leave everything. Or am I just going insane? Probably I am going insane. But that doesn't mean that I am not right. Am I right? Ugh. I just wish you were here. Or I wish that I was with you. How bad is it running? I guess it cannot be great, because you had to abandon everything and run away. Living on the run. Probably without a roof over your head, whereas I have one over mine. I have good food and a nice, warm bed, but I would give it all up. I just, I can't stop blaming myself. Like maybe you didn't ask me to come with you because of me, like maybe you didn't want me to come with you because I am needy and am like a child. That I need constant care and attention. That I would just bring you down. Get you caught. That you didn't want me to be there. That maybe you are moving on and making new friends. That when you get back you won't need me anymore. Well, I don't even know if you needed before but that you definitely won't when you get back. Am I just being too anxious? It's one of my big flaws. That I always assume the worst and forget that some people actually care about me. I keep telling myself to stop worrying this much, but every time I tell myself I just start worrying anymore. It must have been so hard to put up with me all of these years. Well, anyways, I need to try and focus on what's good. Maybe I can imagine you here. If you were here, what would you say? Probably something like 'Don't worry everything is going to be OK.' or you would list everything that is good right now. But you're not here. That's the big truth of all of this. Even if you had to, you left me. You left me here alone. To fend for myself and make new friends. And I just can't do that. I can't just keep going like my best, and only real friend, didn't abandon me. You could have invited me. I am just being stupid now, aren't I? Blaming you for all of this when I should be blaming You-Know-Who and all of his Death Eaters. I'm sorry, I just, I can't do this. Can't keep going like I have to remind myself to wake up everyday. Like I have to get up and put on a fake smile because the other Gryffindors need that from me. That I don't have to remind myself to eat and drink and stay strong. That I have to keep taking in breath after breath and remind myself because I need to stay strong, for you. You need to stay strong too. Are you having to remind yourself to do all of the things that used to come so easy? I never thought about what it would be like if anyone just forgot to wake up in the morning. Forgot to get up and keep going. But now i am near that point. If I forgot to breathe and was no longer here when you get back, could you forgive me? But I won't. So that when you get back, I can show you these letters. So that I can just breathe again. So that I can sleep again. Did I tell you that? I can't sleep. I have been going to bed way earlier and just lying in bed for hours. Unable to sleep. Looking over at your empty bed. And if I try to get up and go on a walk to clear my head or something like that, I will be bombarded with the sight of Harry and Ron's empty beds. And I will remember that we don't know if they are safe either. And I will remember that Hermione isn't safe either. And then I will have to start the whole cycle over again. And when I finally fall asleep, all that I can see in my dreams is my fears, that you are dead. Your dead body lying in the Gryffindor common room. Ron, Harry, and Hermione's dead bodies. My family gone. How foolish was I in third year, that my biggest fear was a banshee? Now, all I fear for is your life and my family's lives. It was stupid, I realize that now. But I guess you can never realize that kind of stuff until it's too late. Not that it is too late. I just mean, it was stupid for that to be my biggest fear and I realize how stupid that is now because I fear for much scarier things everyday now. I miss you. I hope we can see each other soon.

Seamus Finnigan