Remember That I Love You ( Teenage Series #1)

Kabanata 26

TRIGGER WARNING:
SELF- HARM/ SUICIDE/ R18
This chapter contains content about suicide. Read at your own risk.

Kabanata 26

Moments

Living in reality is like you are training how to survive in hell. How that on a daily basis is chaotic, feels so sick and drained everyday because of burning emotions that most of the time you can't control, has difficulty to experience to the point that you just want to end everything but you know if you did it's not the end too. 

I took a deep breath and felt the fresh air that blew my hair on my private island here in the Pangasinan.

Ramdam ko ang aking maluwag na paghinga dahil sa gaan na aking nararamdaman sa aking dibdib ngunit hindi ko pa rin matatanggal roon ang mga nakatusok na bigat. 

Bahagya akong napangiti nang makitang dahan-dahan ng nilalamon ng dilim ang liwanag ng araw. 

It's so beautiful to watch… red and black color… but you know the beautiful it seems the dangerous it gets. 

When I was young, I was so scared of being in dark places… but little did I know I was already in the dark... without realizing it. 

Nasa madilim na akong puder na inakala ko ay kung saan ako magiging ligtas ngunit ang itim na liwanag na inakalang kong puti ay siya pa lang mag iiwan sa akin ng hindi ko malilimutang sakit. 

Before, I used to avoid dark places because I always remember every dark past I experienced.

Dark inside of a closet, dark places with so many lights in a large terminal with my confused feeling in the middle of a crowd.... and most of all… the dark room where I am always hurt by recognized parents.

Umupo ako sa isang malaking surfboard na nakalapat lamang sa buhanginan. 

This feels so... surreal. 

Hindi ko inaasahan na makakabalik muli ako ngayon rito sa nakalipas na anim na taon dahil tinanggap ko na isa iyong napaka imposibleng mangyari ngunit tingnan mo naman at heto ako ngayon.

I just want to stay here.

I sighed heavily when I realized that I'm going to come back to Manila tomorrow evening. 

Noong isang linggo ng nakasalubong ko si Zarina kasama ang kanyang ina ay bumigat kaagad ang aking pakiramdam kaya naman napagdesisyonan kong mag bakasyon muna rito dahil nag babalak naman talaga akong bumisita ng ilang araw sa islang ito. 

I stood up and slowly removed the black cover up I'm wearing outside my white maxi dress. 

Ang pag dama ko sa malamig na mga bato at buhangin sa aking paa habang lumalakad ay nagbibigay buhay mula sa mga madilim kong ala-ala.

Dahan-dahan kong nilusong ang aking isang paa sa malamig na tubig ng karagatan na naging dulot ng pagkabasa ng mahaba kong kasuotan habang dinadama ang lamig ng tubig sa kalahati ng aking katawan. 

I had a small smile plastered on my lips when I realized that as well as the color of the water was black due to the darkness of the surroundings... the pleasure of feeling in silence in the middle of the wide, cold and dark place.

During the period of time preceding, when I was the famous slut crazy teenager Yearca Veran I was… I was.. so scared to be alone.. to have no friends, to have no people to know me, to be left out... to be left by the people I love… so… I'm always doing anything to please them. To make them stay with me when they did I thought that I was not alone but I did not know the whole time they're not even with me.