Diary of an enigmatic girl

All time low

26 November 2021

I still feel low today. Everything has been sorted out. Everything seems okay. Just a slight fear and anxiety of upcoming exams but why is it making me feel so weird. I need something to stimulate my brain. Something to make up for the void inside of me  huh,I'm not talking about the physical void but yeah i do need something to fill that too, soon,not right now. Maybe I should do something interesting. The group ( My dad's friends but mom and I also hang out with them.  They're fun) is going on a picnic to a nearby mountain top,it would be fun. But with the exams coming up I don't really think spending a whole day on a 'picnic' would be a good idea. Like I study 24/7 a day  . Also,what's the guarantee I will feel good after that too. Sometimes i really don't understand myself. Life was so much better when I looked at everything objectively. Taking the emotional component out of it. Seriously, if at that time an apocalypse were to hit us all and kill us , I wouldn't mind. But the suppressed emotions and feelings were bound to come up one day and they did,like they always do, last year . Last year was an emotional roller coaster ride , so I'm glad I'm better now. Although , taking the emotion out of it was ideal and easy because these emotions are bloody inconvenient!

I still can't shake the thought off my head that every minute of time I waste , Some kid utilizes it. And accept it or not but that kid will score better marks than me and then I will regret these very moments that I wasted. Am I being too cynical? Or am i just absurd? Ugh....
I wish the universe conspires in my favour.

This is me and in this very universe there is another girl who also wants to be a doctor also plans to give the same exam , (for the sake of referring to her in this story let's call her Janice )but god knows why doesn't care at all. She never studies and is always ready to go out or party. Well , her future is still brighter than mine . How? She plans to go to different country where her mother's sister lives and there she plans to get into a private college. Money works, you see. No competition. No self doubt. No worries. I envy her. It's not necessarily a bad thing if you think about it. Here the competition is is so much some thousands of students out of the lacks of aspirants get selected and on what bases? Don't even get me started on reservations. It's so much mental load . Going to another country where competition is less isn't that bad after all.But I also couldn't live like that . Knowing I am here because I'm worthy and I deserve it has always been a paramount feeling for me. Although I can't seem to handle that emotion well either.

I hope these thoughts go away as i lay down on my gel pillow to go to sleep in a wonderland of beautiful and happy thoughts as I fall asleep.I wish I have  dream like that atleast.

Night night...!