depression stories

Am I a horrible person?

Lately I've been asking people if I am a horrible person. It's the way I feel. I feel like I am a horrible person. I feel like the people who have hurt me that it's not there fault it's my fault. I feel like it's me because people tell me I annoy them or they run away. I feel like I'm the person that makes them not want to deal with me. I feel this way because of others. My own family doesn't even want me only a few do. I feel unwanted I just feel horrible about myself. I feel like I can't trust anyone because every time I tryed to they showed me not to. The only one that I truly trusted was my grandpa, but we talked about me and all of my problems. Last year (8th grade year) he had passed away. (I've had lots of people pass away). My mom says that she's always there for me, but I can't trust her. I can't trust her because one time I told her not to say anything about my boyfriend, and she promised me she wouldn't tell anyone. Next thing I knew she told almost everyone in my family. He was my first boyfriend that's why I didn't want her saying anything. I was so mad that she told people. Then during Christmas eve she basically called me a whore along with my aunt. That's why I don't trust many people. My old best friend kat did the same thing. I only trust two people well mostly one person. ( I trust more people now because I have met a lot of pretty good people). People tell me all the time that I can trust them, but it's annoying after a while. Then when they gain enough of my trust they betray me. They hurt me in other ways like ignoring me or saying something horrible about me. I wished all of my pain would go away. I hide myself because I blame myself for things that have happened to me. I've gotten a little bit better but not really. I've gotten better by not starving myself and by not making myself cry. I still let others bring me down though I've been trying to get better. I hope I get better by not blaming myself for what other's have done to me. I try to let go and move on, but sometimes things like that are harder more than others. Why is it people have to be mean to other people? I mean come on people we are all the same just about. We all have problems, and we all are human. So why are people so mean? People change other people's days in a good or bad way. Why should it be bad though I know we all can be kind I know we can. So what's the that? Why do people have to be rude? To other's and make there days horrible. Some say life/ days is what you make of it, but sometimes that's really hard for some people. I know it's hard for me, and for some people it's harder for them than it is others. You just have to try. I'm trying as best as I can. I hope other's are trying to do the same too. I hope you all are trying as much as you can. If I get put were there's nobody hurting me than I'm all good. Then it seems like I have no problems at all even though I still will, but it won't be as bad.