It's Not Too Late (Sad KiriBaku AU) Discontinued

Chapter 6

* A couple of hours earlier *

Kirishima's PoV

It's been a month now. A month since my Kat--, I mean...Bakugo tried to kill himself. I believe I've lost the right to call Bakugo 'mine' a long time ago, I believe I've lost any right to live like a normal human being, let alone a hero for more than 'a long time' ago. What type of hero am I to not even notice my boyfriend's suffering? No, what type of person am I allowed to declare myself as, if I wasn't even capable of detecting the misery of a loved one? There probably is a rank or a nickname people like me get; Is there something worse than a scumbag? Is there a term to describe somebody who's reached lower than a lowlife asshole? No, of course there isn't. You know why? Because people like that, people worse than lowlife assholes, and scumbags, people like me, don't even deserve to have a nickname.

Ugh, I'm making this all about myself again. Damn it, it's like I've learned nothing in the past month.

While I was sitting on the couch in the living room, I heard it again, the obnoxious ringing of my phone. That piece of garbage just wouldn't shut up! My ears recently started ringing, I'm even hallucinating the phone's chiming at this point!

Right after the 'incident', the only people contacting me were Mina, Kaminari and Sero. After about 2 weeks, ex-classmates started forming an interest in what I was doing and started calling and messaging me as well, and to top it all off, now reporters are after me. Bakugo and I never confirmed we were lovers, but even if being lovers wouldn't have been the case, we've always been extremely close. Yes, yes I'm sure that some of our fans have made speculations about the true nature of my relationship with Kat--, I mean, Bakugo, but none of our admirers or shippers ever had the courage to actually come out and ask us if we're dating. It's not like we were trying to hide it, we didn't mention it because we just didn't find our relationship something everybody should know about, at least not out of context. Both Bakugo and I agreed that if our relationship were to make it out into the open at some point, we'd be fine with it, but based on how things turned out, I'm not even sure if I can continue to say we are in a relationship.

I've spent the last couple weeks wondering if Bakugo was going to wake up. On one hand I wished he'd do it as soon as possible, so that I could finally rush down to the hospital, hug him as tight as I can and apologize to him. On the other hand, I was scared. I was mortified of what would happen the moment he saw me. I didn't believe I deserve forgiveness, if I would've been in Katsuki's spot, driven as far to the edge to feel that the only option left for me was to jump...I wouldn't have even considered ever seeing the bastard that got me to that point ever again. I've got no right to believe that Katsuki wouldn't react the same way I'd do.

From all of the people around us, I knew him the best. I knew that there would always be a risk for him to attempt suicide, again. Most of the people that admire Bakugo as a hero don't have the slightest clue regarding what he went through to get here. Not even I know the details about his attempt in highschool, he never wanted to talk about it so I never pressured him. He used to go to a therapist, but I find it hard to believe he kept going after the way I treated him. All I know is that he was always angry, and he was somehow always carrying this sad and empty look in his eyes, I couldn't quite define it. He never said anything was wrong back then, and I was barely 16, what did I know about sorrow at that age? Whenever he'd come to school with a bruise on his face, nobody would question it; 'He was the bad guy, of course he'd get into fights' they'd say. The only thing I knew for sure, is that one moment he was next to me, and the other I saw him smiling through his tears as he fell down from the rooftop. I never realized how badly I needed him until I got so close to losing him.

I spent my days at the hospital waiting for him to wake up, his parents never once came to see him. I had never been religious, and yet for the first time in my life, I prayed for everything to be ok, I clung with desperation onto the fake assumption that if I promised to love Kat unconditionally from then on, he'd wake up. The funny thing is, he did wake up, but he was not the same Bakugo I knew. I swore I'd do my best to bring him back to what he used to be, to make him understand that ending it all was not the solution, but then again I made the promise to offer him all the love in this world, and as proven by time, I was unable to do so.

There was nothing I could do for him at that moment, but the current situation is different; It was my fault, which made me feel more ashamed than I had ever been.

I stopped being in my right mind for some time now. I was aware of the fact that whenever I saw Kat smiling in my arms, or sitting right beside me in our bed, it wasn't actually him, but a hallucination of my mind, a well-deserved reminder that what I've done is beyond unforgivable. I couldn't stop thinking about him, whatever I'd do or say would ultimately result in me thinking about his reaction; Would he laugh? Would he be happy I turned out like this? Would he have cried?... Did he cry because of me...? Because of how I treated him...? Who wouldn't have...he deserved better than this, he deserved better than me. But God, I miss him so much, I miss him so much I just can't stand it. I just want to embrace him and tell him how everything will be alright, he deserves to know that everything will be alright.

'This is getting out of hand', I thought to myself while standing up from the couch. I brushed off the fine grains of ceramic belonging to the plates I had been breaking for the past month off my shirt. I looked like a mess; I had unwashed, messy hair and a ghostly looking complexion, large dark circles were accentuating my puffy red eyes. Scabs, small cuts, bruises and larger wounds covered my body. I knew Kat would be anything but proud to see me like this. Damn it, I called him Kat again.

As I was making my way towards the bedroom, I heard my phone ring. I looked at the screen to see that the caller was Mina, but I didn't answer. I waited a while for the call to enter voice mail and erased the notification of the call, just how I proceeded with all the other calls. A couple of hours ago I even received a call from an unknown number, reporters these days are so shameless it makes me sick.

I sighed to myself, and as I was about to put my phone down, it rang again. 'Still Mina' I spoke to myself, this time declining the call. I threw my phone towards the couch, but it landed on the floor. Different shaped pieces of glass fell to the ground as I picked it up, the screen shattered. I sank to the wooden planks, with my head leaning on my hands. 'I miss you' I whispered to myself. A shiny thing grabbed my attention from the corner of my eye; It was a piece of glass, the largest in a pile of tiny ones. I picked up the piece and stared at it for a while 'I've always wondered why a person would do something to harm themselves' I said while admiring the dangerously sharp shard. I had read multiple articles explaining numerous different reasons for which a person would cut; To control the pain within, to feel something, to cope with stress and other reasons. I've never been in a state in which I've felt any of those things, until now at least. I hesitantly placed the shard by my wrist, I was afraid of what I'd do next. I was about to sink the piece of glass in, when I suddenly heard a loud knock on my door. "Kirishima, I know you're in there, open the door right now!". It was Mina. Her voice was high pitched, which didn't do me any good as my ears started ringing. I was suddenly reminded by the way I used my head to hit a wall the other day. I assumed nothing had happened from that hit, but maybe I was wrong, and maybe the ringing of my ears wasn't a hallucination.

I heard another loud knock on the door and an angry Mina screaming her lungs out. I couldn't move. I dropped the shard to the ground and instinctively covered my ears with my hands. Something was wrong. I heard the sound of jingling keys in front of the door, and before I knew it Mina was standing in front of me. I turned the opposite direction, I didn't want to see the way she was looking at me right now, I was ashamed. She didn't say anything for some time, but I could just imagine the disappointed look on her face. She just stood there in complete silence.

She closed the door after a while, and sat down next to me. She tried to meet my eyes, but I avoided her gaze, I was a coward.

"What do you want?" I spoke in a tired, slightly annoyed voice, not expecting an answer. Mina sighed and replied "Bakugo is...awake". My heart skipped a beat when I heard that. Bakugo was awake? So he was ok? He survived? Without knowing my eyes had felt with tears and I started sobbing in relief. I moved my hands towards my mouth, to try to cover up some of my sounds. I caught a glimpse of Mina's eyes, only to be met by a look of horror. I swallowed, as I finally made eye contact with her. With a shaky hand she reached towards my cheek and looked me directly in the eyes. I was expecting to get scolded, not only for what I've done to myself, but for what I've done to Bakugo. With tears prickling at the corner of her eyes and with a loud and trembling voice, Mina exclaimed: "Your ear is bleeding!"

Published: 28th of November 2021

The story: 1842 words