Name: StormpuddlePast names: Storm [Nice name five out of five]
reasoning for name: she got her prefix from her mother whose name was Tempest and wanted her children to reflect her name. She got her prefix from how she reflected her past and will shine in her new life [okay. Cool. So her fam is like the squad of cats who have names relating to Tempest. Aw. But a lot more things could work for the suffix (like brook or pool) So 4/5]
Gender: She-catSexuality: StraightAppearance: Stormpuddle is completely black long fur with yellow-green eyes and a long fluffy tail. She has a long fluffy tail and small paws. she has scars all around her flank and ears.[Can't find anything wrong with that. 5/5][Personality: VERY skidish, submissive, hard-working, blunt.[This personality doesn't really work for me. Maybe explain it more? 4/10]
Current rank: Queen/WarriorPast ranks: Kittypet, Rogue [Oh. Wonder what happened]
Family:Mother: Tempest was a black tabby with one gray paw and yellow eyes, she was quick to aggression to unknown cats and quick o give up. She always put her kits before her
[Give up on herself?...Her goals? Life? But she has a flaws so that's good. But what was her relationship with her daughter? Even if her mom died, Stormpuddle should wonder and make assumptions about her based on her surroundings.]
.Father: Unknown could be 3 differnt cats (Trout) silver tabby yellow eyes, (flash) white with amber eyes, (Blue) ginger with amber eyes.
[Well I can't grade in genetic accuracy bc I don't know who the father is. You evil genius-The ginger cat's name is Blue . I see what you did there.]
Littermates: She had 2 littermates both were she-cats Gale was white with yellow eyes and very small and was always the weakest out of the 3 she was always by Tempests side, Squall was always the rough one and would often lead her into mischief and eventually her death, she was a skinny black she-cat with amber eyes.
[What happened to them when they became adults? What happened to Squall? I'm intrigued]
Mentor figure: Dune is a large brown tabby with green eyes very good with his paws and a skilled fighter, he was quick to anger but would never give up on someone or something. In the past he was a loner now he's a RiverClan warrior with his mate, he took the name Dunespiral.
[Again, what is the relationship between the two. How is he her mentor figure?I get that you're probably writing a story, but you could add a little more.]
Friends: River was cream colour with amber eyes she was a cat she met in the twoleg den together they made the plan to escape she was very witty and forgetful
[Was? And she's Stormpuddle's only friend? What happened to Gull D:]
Enemy : Ashclaw is a black she-cat with green eyes and often made fun of her for her kittypet origins she would often pass the blame onto Stormpuddle. Ashclaw is observant and reactive. they both always saw each other as each others rivals and would often get into random squabbles.
[Okay.]
Love interest: Stormpuddle and Dunespiral are mates they often quarel when Dunespiral is too protectve of Stormpuddle. After they learned what it was like to almost loose eachother they became closer then ever and would often be by eachothers sides.
[If she's submissive, wouldn't she not quarrel and avoid conflict? Could you go into more detail why they became mates and what they saw in each other?]
Kits: One tom named Cloudkit (white with amber eyes) later on Cloudburst. He was very sickly during his first few moons and many cats said to leave him to die as an apprentice his mentor: Finchfrost died from greencough giving mentorship to Hawkstar.
[Again what is the relationship between Stormpuddle and her kit? Also why is he mentored by the leader if the leader never trusted Stormpuddle. Is it like a Firestar and Bramblekit situation?]
Apprentice: She never had an apprentice since her leader never fully trusted her.
[Okay. Why. Was it just because she was a kittypett and rogue? How did she feel about this leader dude.Okay so overall around a 5/10. Not enough details but you did good on giving them personalities. I know what you're working on is unfinished so just think on it a little more. She doesn't really have enough relationships for a cat that spent her life living with 20 other cats in a small space]
Backstory: She was born in a twoleg den with a bunch of other cats her and her two Sisters, Gale, and Squall, her name was Storm her mother was Tempest. the twoleg den was filthy and there were around 20 other cats there the twoleg was an elderly man and rarely fed the cats and never cleaned he kept the cats trapped in the den and constantly took in more cats especially pregnant she-cats. many cats died there, and their body was never buried just left to rot with the other twoleg trash that built up everywhere. her two littermates died a moon after birth from inhaling the sickness that came from the cat feces. [Dang. Hoarder twoleg never seen that before. It's unique and traumatic I like it. How was this man not like called on by his neighbors? Surely they would have smelled the rotting pile of cat corpses.] her mother died 2 moons after. All the cats she was born with were quickly dying, but still her best friend River lived on, she felt the pull of the sickness within her. [Oh snap maybe developing in the hoarders house surrounded by the toxic smell, not being feed, gave her health problems .]so, she and a few other young healthier cats began to find a way out eventually they got out (not sure how yet) [Understandable]together her and 3 other cats, River, Frost and Dune who survived began making a home of their own though they had no knowledge on how to survive during their first leafbare only her and one other cat survived, a tom named Dune.
[How did they survive then...?
together they kept travelling moon after moon season after season until they knew they could go no farther they knew they had to settle soon since Storm was heavy with his kits.
[Omg
where they settled a huge lake glisten Infront of them and prey seemed to lurk everywhere.They knew they found there home though there was one problem. many cat scents already littered this forest. Wearily they traveled until they met a smaller stream and met with a ferocious brown cat, this cat was the leader of RiverClan. in which is now their home, many cats questioned them and their past but was quickly accepted as a loyal member of RiverClan.
[Wait but the leader didn't like them...so why were they accepted? Was it bc Storm was pregnant or something ?]
Together they lived with their new son Cloudkit.
Extra: Stormpuddle died from the same sickness that was in the twoleg den which later on clogged her lungs making her unable to breath. [Called it! :D There's probably more than one sickness in that house though] went insane with grief when she died and killed there only kin, Cloudspiral. [Oh no. Okay so backstory is 7/10. I liked it. Maybe research more on the effects of starvation and tons of diseases on cat's development. Okay you had a pretty decent oc! Needs some improvement and a lot more details but you can do it!]
