I'm Not Okay

Chapter 1

Luke's P.O.V~~~

Fuck.

Why.

Alexis.

Why.

We've been parted for 2 months now. I can't fucking stand it. During these two months, it was like living in hell. I miss my babygirl so fucking much. I can't stand to be without her anymore. I'm losing my mind. The band and I have started to get famous I guess. All because of our covers on YouTube, we've started to get fans and it just led to going on tour. Recollecting my thoughts, I focus back on what's happening right now. I'm currently in our hotel alone yet again. Staring out a window wondering how high I am above ground. Wondering if it's worth living anymore. She's probably all over me by now with an asshole that's better than me. Who would want a boyfriend who-... wait.

God fucking dammit. I forgot. She tried to break up with me. I didn't let her.

Alexis was getting all sad and she thought that we would break up during my tour one way or another so she just spilled at the airport.

I remember the makeup running down her face like it was yesterday. I was called to board and she pulled me to look straight at her. She said "Luke, don't get me wrong. Your going to be someone that I'll remember for always. I love you. But I don't think this is going to work. We shoudk break up". Shit I remember her words like my life depended on it. She was a wreck breaking down sobbing into my chest as I cried with her shaking my head trying to get out "no".
But I didn't get to say no, or an 'I love you' before our manager shoved us to the gates. She hasn't texted me and I haven't texted her even though I want to. Lexi would just tell me that she has another guy.

So this leads me hear, with a knock on the door, probably one of the lads.

"It's unlocked" I yell. I feel so shitty that I don't even want to move from my spot next to this window.

Ashton walks in with a bag in each hand setting them on the desk. I look back out the window and still see his reflection in the mirror. He looks sad. Ash looks at me and slowly walks towards me.

"Lucas whatcha thikin about?" he coo's.

"Thinking" I simply respond. Ashton has heard this answer so many times from me that he downs even need to ask who or what I'm thinking about. He just sighs and sits on his bed and pulls out his phone.

"Ash I'm gonna go take a shower" I say while getting up making my way. He just says 'okay' like it's not a surprise. I always take 'showers'.

Truth is, in not taking a shower. I lock the bathroom door and turn the shower on as an illusion to make him think that I'm taking a shower, and to block out my crying.

I don't know how long I've been this sad. About a week ago I've just lost my mind. I can't keep in my pain. My blades are a panacea and I can't control it.

Reading in the far corner of the cabinet in the bathroom, I feel a cold metal object and take it pushing up my long sleeves. Before I know it's the blade is making contact with my skin making blood spill over my previous scars. I'm crying, harder than I usually do. But not because of the pain. But because of everything with Alexis.

There's footsteps coming closer to the door and I mumble a shit and pith the blade back.

"Luke what are you doing are you okay?" he asks concerned.

I don't answer, I'm afraid of what to say. "U-um yeah I-I'm fine" I stutter. shit.

"Luke let me in. Now".

Fuck he's mad. He's never found out but I think he can connect the dots now. Shit. I'm not opening the door fuck no. I'm just gonna sit here forever and and cry.

"Lucas Robert Hemmings! Let me the fuck in before I break in!" he shouts over the sound of the water running.

I cover my ears with my hands screaming at the top of my lungs. I can't hear shit except the white noise of silence. I look up through my blurry eyes after a loud rumble comes through. Ashton is standing in front of me coving his mouth. He loos around the whole room.

Fuck.

He shuts off the water and gets a towel. Ash removes my hands from my ears and looks at my bloody arms. "Fuck Luke" he says under his breath. Trying to help, he cleans off off the blood but I wince in pain cause they're fresh.

"Ashton don't it hurts" I cry.

Ash continues but not as rough but stops as Calum and Michael burst in the room.

They both rush in and Michael starts "Guys what's all this banging around? What's goin-" and he stops when he enters the bathroom. Mikey's eyes are balling already and Calum comes in and does the same.

I'm so fucking pissed. Why did Ashton have to fucking break down the door. Now I'm just an emotional wreck sobbing with blood around me.

All I'm doing is staring at the ceiling. Praying to God that Alexis will somehow, someway get back with me. All I'm doing is staring at the ceiling. Letting the lads do all of the work.

I can't move. My arms are stinging as well as my tear stained eyes. However, I'm not like this for long. The boys cleaned up and called the manager to see how much they had to pay for a new door. Ashton, Calum, and Michael are my best friends, almost like brothers. But I would never tell them that I cut. Never, not even my parents. I'd only tell Lexi. But she hasn't talked to me since we parted. Hey, that gives me an idea for a song. I'll work on it after I take a nap to regain myself.

Getting up is hard since I have a cast-like rag around my arm, stained with red already seeping through. I manage standing up though, and step over the broken door on the floor and get my phone. They're so many notifications on Twitter, shit. None of them better have have posted what I did. I'd quit the band no doubt. Ignoring the thought, I get in the warm blankets of my bed and put in my headphones sleeping to Green Day.

Alexis's P.O.V~~~

The bright sun peeking through my curtains wakes me up starting my day. All warm and cuddled up against my boyfriend in his bed. But this is weird. This is wrong, it doesn't feel right.

I'm trying to get over a relationship by getting into another one and it's not working. But I need to get over Luke.

Avoiding this thought in my head, I get back to life now. Laying in bed with my boyfriend all cuddled up. But I regret it. I want to leave now. I feel like I'm cheating on Luke even though we aren't dating anymore.

I get out of bed, stretch, and get my keys and phone.

"Hey babe where're you goin?" Cameron says waking up.

"I'm leaving?" I say obviously.

"Why. You can't leave me you bitch. Get back over here!" he says loudly.

That fucking hurt me. A lot. By now I'm already at the end of his apartment hallway and make the rest of my way to my car with tears in my eyes. It's the right thing to do. I'm using guys to cover up for Luke and this first one was a dick. I don't think this is all gonna work out. I just hope that Cam doesn't get really mad and abuse me again. The first time he slapped me for a stupid reason but he might do much worse. This makes me speed up and get in my car quickly and make my way to the highway to head home. He lived about half an hour away and I don't know why I've been wasting all of this gas on him.

Reaching to a red light, I roll down my windows to enjoy the sunny day with the slight breeze and turn up the radio to some music to fill in the silence. It seems like the red light is taking forever but, all of a sudden a car horn beeps obnoxiously and I look at the light turning my music down. Still red. So I look behind me and to my sides and one car attracted my attention. The one on my right side with his window down.

"Hello Alexis" Cameron smirks.

Hello beautiful people. This one I'm really excited for. The only other fanfic that I'll be working on is "Is This A Dream?"
I hope you all like it so far :)
Love youuu ~Katelyn