This Isn't Me.

CBT...?

'Complete rubbish! That's what I think!'
I composed myself, taking a deep breath and trying to ignore my shaking hands. I'm not the sort of person who gets nervous easily but being woken up at 6am after one or two hours sleep would make anyone a bit unsteady, wouldn't it? And the shaking isn't caused by nerves, anyway. I'm not a hundred percent sure about what is causing it, though...
Instead of my original plan to tell her exactly what I think of her 'CBT' or 'cognitive behaviour therapy' I said; "Well, although I completely understand the effects that 'CBT' can have on many people with various issues... I don't feel... No! I know it is not the right path for me." I tried to look genuinely disappointed that the treatment she specialised in was clearly not going to do anything special for me.
Cognitive behavioral therapy seems to focus on on routines and postitve thinking. I don't need my thought patterns examined, I need my body examined...
"Many people are unsure at first but you must remember- whatever your opinion on the therapy, it has a high success rate and anything's worth a try, isn't it?!"
I wanted to go home and curl up under a blanket. Why wouldn't she just leave me alone!? "What have you got to loose?" She pressed, clearly desperate to get me on side...
"What have I got to loose...?" I trailed off, pretending to consider the pointless question, "energy, health, balance, time-"
"Cognitive behavioural therapy will help you to regain control over all those things, so you will gain, not loose." She replied, completely missing the point.
I resisted the urge to sigh dramatically and roll my eyes. I explained, "Energy: I've done a bit of research, I know you'll tell me to set an alarm at the same time each day, have a schedule and stick to it,"
"Routine is extremely important," The CBT specialist began, needless to say- I didn't let her finish.
"But also ridiculous." I couldn't help sighing now, after a pause, I went on, "Do you not think I have tried the whole routine thing!?" Calm, Layla, calm, "Structure, yes, great, it gives you a purpose and stops you from feeling lost in a way... But a routine? An unrealistic, unmanageable thing that stretches you to your limit? Do you know what happens when you stretch an elastic band? It snaps." I had gone too far, hadn't I? She would probably lock me up or diagnose me with bipolar disorder or something! I must not panic, can't panic, will not panic... But I had resigned myself to my 'fate' by the time the smartly dressed young woman sitting in front of me finally spoke.
"You don't know how much you are capable of until you push yourself." She said or should I say quoted, because those words were clearly not her own. I've read all the books so I should know. "Please, I know you're listening but you're not actually hearing a single word I say- actually think about it! You can quote all the lines from all the psychology books ever written in English but it will not get you anywhere." 'Deep breaths', I tell myself, 'deep breaths' "I've read them all, even believed them, tried, failed, refused to give up even when I felt like it was killing me. I know you're a 'professional' but, honestly, do you think that the outcome will be any different just because it's you saying these words, rather than me reading them?" No going back now. The picture of myself sitting in a room with a securely locked door and thickly padded walls comes back into my mind... 'Don't be silly... People don't get locked up just for expressing their opinions!' Well okay, they do, but the thought seems to comfort me anyway.
"I understand your frustration, I truly do." She says softly, reaching out to rest her hand on my arm for a moment. Is this meant to be a comforting gesture? I don't feel comforted... Patronized, yes, comforted? No. "But I offer a different perspective on things. Often when reading even the best 'self help' books," "'self help'" yes, definantly feeling patronized right now. "You can become trapped in cycles of negative thought and behaviors. Because even with the books to guide you, you are still taking on a lot of responsibility and it is easy to feel very alone if there is no real person, no professional, to offer a helping hand. That's what I'm here for. To help you."
"My head's spinning, I only had two hours sleep last night, I physically can not learn so even if I'm woken up at 6am it will be a waste of time going anywhere near a classroom! You can't help, I don't need a 'hand'! I need a doctor. A real doctor." I feel bad for comparing psychologists unfavorably to other doctors, 'real' doctors. I feel stupid for letting my anger get the better of me, for letting it show. But I don't regret it. I can't. All I'm doing is speaking the truth. Why is no one listening?
"That is good. It's good to let all them feelings out. It really does sound like you are having very negative thoughts at the moment. Do you know what they can do, Layla? Negativity has an great talent of sapping your energy and making you very depressed. I think it's time we tackle this head on. As soon as you start thinking positively about the world it will be a much nicer place to wake up to!" She says with a sunny smile.
I get up and walk right out of the hospital.