all for a dare (the sequel)

3

but even with helping him i felt like that wasn't enough.

~~~~~

( i recommend listening to "Strange-Celeste)

ever since George and i had broken up my personality had changed. he was my best friend, and i know i fucked it up.

i know what i did was completely fucked in the head, but there's nothing i can do about it now. he doesn't even look at me in the hallways. it's like we were strangers again.

i would skip school to go home and cry to myself about the situation i put the both of us in. i skipped class which led to me not turning in any of my schoolwork. it even got to the point where i didn't even want to get ready for school.

what was the point in going? i have no friends. none, so i couldn't go to school and have someone cheer me up with stupid jokes. i couldn't go to george, sapnap, or even carter like i used to do.

everything was strange. like the fact that george moved on so fast from me. i know i completely broke him, but within a couple of days, it was like the connection was never there, to begin with.

i saw him in the hallways a couple of times except he never acknowledged me. every time i saw him my heart sunk into my stomach.

i wanted to become friends with him again or at least try to, but it was like trying to light a match in the rain.

and of course, just because someone broke my heart, i so stupidly decided to break his.

currently, i was sitting on my bed leaning against the wall. i have my knees up to my stomach and my head leaned up against the wall. i had a smile on my face though.

i had just gotten home from school. i asked him to help me with my history work, and he said yes.

i could tell he was shocked to see me, and i was surprised he said yes. part of me felt like he only said yes so that i would leave him alone. when he asked me why, out of everyone that i picked him i had immediately regret asking.

i wanted to find out a way to text him and say "oh never mind, someone else offered. thank you though," but i knew there was no way i could. i wasn't sure if i was overthinking or not.

i extended my knees out and let down my shoulders. i sat there hoping there was a way i could text him.

———

once i got home from school i threw my bag onto my bedroom floor. clay had just asked me to help him with a project. at first, i was hesitant but i said yes in the end.

what was i supposed to do? i'm going to let him fail and not graduate. i wasn't going to be selfish. he was desperate and i was the only one who could help him, and so i did.

after minutes of sitting in silence in my bedroom, my mind traveled to random places. then it hit me.

i've been selfish.

i'm the one to blame for all of this. i'm to blame for how clay mysteriously disappeared, and how his grades have dropped like the petals of a rose.

and me. i was the reason clays 'rose' wasn't getting enough water.

the only thing i did throughout all of this was blame it all on him. my heart sunk knowing that i caused more pain to clay than he did to me.

it only took me a couple of weeks to get over what happened to clay. except it's been months. it's been months of clay having no one to look forward to seeing at school.

without even thinking about it for another second i grabbed my phone and unblocked his number. i was debating on telling him in person or not. i wanted to tell him that i was sorry for putting him through this.

i clicked his contact and started to type out what seemed like an essay.

clay

at first, i was going to tell you this in person but i wanted to tell you as soon as possible. i'm sorry for pushing the whole situation on you. i kept telling myself that this was all your fault but it was mine as well. i completely left you in the dust for several months expecting you to be fine. i don't know how to describe how bad i feel for leaving you with no one, or anything for months. when you came up to me today it made me realize that it wasn't all you.

my heart began beating faster and faster. i began rereading it and i instantly started to regret it. i slowly started to delete the paragraph and closed out of his contact. i shut my phone off and tossed it to the edge of my bed.

i felt like he would find it weird that i randomly sent him a paragraph out of nowhere. he said one thing to me today and it was because it was his only option. that doesn't mean that he wanted to talk to me.

i grabbed my phone again and went to text carter. even though he was in the other room i didn't want to go in there and see him. if i did i know he would end up arguing with me.

carter

can you like... not want to kill clay every second of your life? just leave him alone

what are you talking about? i don't want to kill
him.

you're always mad at him, and i get that, but it's just as much his fault as it is mine.

george you know it wasn't your fault.

carter can you stop trying to be a good brother for once and listen. i'm sorry but if it's my fault that clay disappeared from school for months. all because i was too brutal. i ignored him because i was too focused on myself. just how you're too focused on me, and my feelings.

okay, explain to me how it's your fault then.

i was too focused on blaming him for "faking it," i never noticed how he felt. yeah the beginning was because of the party but the end was the real deal, and when i moved on like it was nothing it probably made clay feel like this. i never moved on, i just learned to hide the pain.

i guess that makes sense and i do feel bad for him., but that's not what i'm mad about. i'm
confused on why he asked to be your boyfriend if he said even then he didn't have feelings for you.

that i don't know but come on carter. how are you still mad at him?

i don't know. i guess i never got over it. it was a lot to find out my brother and best friend were dating then soon figured out you two broke up.

could you take it easy on him if you see him from now on then? seeing i'm helping him with history.

yeah, i understand it all now.

thanks for caring

it was nice to know that carter was willing to listen to me. i still felt like my stomach had sunken into a pit. i didn't know how i was blind enough to not notice, or put together everything that happened.

i felt guilty. it was the type of guilty that i didn't know how to solve. i wanted to do something about it. i knew that it was far too late to fix things.

for all i know he could hate me. i wouldn't blame him if he did.