The note (completed)

Disgusting cant describe it

(Authors note: hi guys, this chapter describes sexual assault in detail. If that triggers you, a summary will follow this paragraph. If not, skip the next paragraph, as it spoils the chapter.

Summary: (spoilers) travis is sexually assaulted by his father again and decides he's willing to risk getting killed by the cult to get away from him.)

I took a look at my self in the mirror, and got ready. My bed seemed great right now. Plus staring at my bruises didn't. There were already welts forming on my back after fathers latest rage episode.

I tried to stop that line of thought there. I couldn't hate my father. The commandments call us to horror thy father and mother and i knew the more I thought about him the more resentment I felt. Sometimes it's better to silence your thoughts.

I just had to keep reminding myself that for god, I could do this. I couldn't wait to meet him one day. I wondered what it would be like to have a father I know loves me.

Of course I'm being dramatic. My father on earth isn't that bad, I told myself, like I had 1000 times before. He does this because he cares about me.

I almost jumped out of my skin when I heard a knock on my bedroom door. Well, knock is a stretch. It was more of three drunken thuds, getting louder with each one.

"One sec, dad! I'm not dres-"

The door swung open. My father stumbled in. He was plastered. He reached behind him and locked the door.

Shit.

Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit.

I backed up. I tried weakly to cover myself with my hands. I felt so naked trembling there in my boxers, even though he had seen me shirtless an hour ago. His eyes bored into me.

"Dad p-please not tonight. I'm still soar from last time."

He didn't say a word. He never did. As he stumbled toward me, i backed up slamming against the wall. Mistake.

Father Phelps lunged forward pinning me there, his knee between my legs. I couldn't get away.

"Dad stop it, please." I was crying. I didn't want to. I just wanted to go to bed.

He was sloppily attacking my neck. I felt so helpless. So alone. So disgusting.

No, disgusting didn't begin to describe it.

"I just want to go to sleep. Please just let me go to sleep. Daddy, please!" I begged between sobs.

He came up for breath.

"Yyouuu kknnoww youuuuu havveee yyyouur mmoootheers eeeyess."

I let out another sob. I needed him to stop. Now.

I made a weak effort to get him off me, shoving his chest. I didn't do anything but piss him off more.

He grabbed me by the back of the neck and threw me on the bed. I slammed my head on the cold wall. For a second my vision went white and all I could hear was a loud ringing.

When I started to come to I was on my stomach, my arms pinned behind me, and my boxers on the floor. It hurt so bad.

The dark room was full of the sounds of sobbing, low moans, and the shaking bed.

I just wanted him to leave me alone.

I wish I still had the strength to keep fighting him. I did for a while. I always kicked and screamed and told him I hated him, but it made it so much worse. It was better to just let it happen.

Suddenly he pulled out and flipped me over. I scrambled to get my bearings. I was still dizzy from hitting my head. He placed one hand around my throat, using the other to jerk himself off.

I felt the air hold stiff in my lungs. I couldn't get a breath in. My head started to feel heavy.

My lungs were burning as i clawed at my fathers hands. As I started to lose conciseness, i heard him finish with a grunt. Then my face was wet. I was just glad it hadn't been in my mouth this time.

He let go. I gasped in all the air I could get. My lungs felt like they might collapse.  I sat there panting as father zipped his pants.

"Yuou kkknnow what'll happennn if yyyou talk aboout tthis?"

"- yes, s-sir" i mustered in between gasps.

"SAY itt."

"you'll.. you'll kill me."

"That's riiight. I'll killl you where youuu ssstand." He stood, unlocked the door, and left me alone crying in the dark.

I dont know how much time had past before I left the fetal position got dressed. I folded the blanket in on itself to hide the blood and... whatever else.

I stared at myself in the bathroom.

I'm disgusting. Fucking faggot. I dont even fight him. And I wrote that fucking note to sal.

And I look like I just got attacked by a catfish.

I laughed out loud. Nothing was funny. I wanted to die. But here I was in the bathroom, hysterically laughing with tears and.. something else covering my face.

I think I might go crazy if I stay in this house any longer. Or maybe I already have. I had to be some kind of crazy to hate this so much and still want sal.

My laughing turned to sobbing again as I looked at my pathetic face. I looked like I had been in a boxing match. I turned on the faucet, splashing water on my face and scrubbing it raw.

I can't keep doing this. I know he'll kill me if I leave but it's better than this. I'd rather die than live here another minute.

I took one more look at my self in the mirror, and got ready. I was leaving. Tonight.