dear j

[12]

march 25, 2011

dear j,

the carnival was really a magical place to go most especially if you spend it with the ones you truly care and love the most. everyone was getting the hang of it, the smiles never leaving their faces. their was a different light brought by the carnival itself as if it was the life of the town.

i was ecstatic going to the carnival with you most especially you kinda asked me out. or was i just assuming things between us? i wore the tight red skirt you always liked because you told me i looked good on it. i also wore a red lipstick just to spite but you told me i was the only girl who looked beautiful on red lipstick.

how many girls had you tricked?

kidding aside, my heart and my soul was really pleased when we went to the carnival. the ferris wheel ride was definitely my favourite most especially it was my first time getting a kiss.

yes, i could never forget the way you kissed me. it was exhilerating, absolutely mind-blowing. my toes curled inside the flats i wore. you were handsome with your slick black hair gelled like the way james franco looks like in an old movie or like leonard dicaprio in titanic.

but after we ended the kiss you suddenly became too conscious when our skin came into contact as if i was poison. was i? to you?

--&--

march 25, 2012

dear j,

i have read all of your letters. i am crying for the whole time i read them. i thought you never loved me like the way i do to you but you fell for me first before i realized that i did. my mind is raising with a lot of questions. letter by letter my heart shatters to pieces.

i feel brokenhearted after reading the last letter you gave me. you are the only person i can never have and  now you're forever gone, above the heavens and i know you're watching over me. i love you, j and maybe moving forward without you is the best thing to do.

when i read your letters, my mind is starting to rest in peace. as if i am in closure. i know it is hard to keep your cancer away from me. but it's still hard. it's still hard to forget you. you give me so much to remember. it pains me a fucking lot to know you're gone, you're dead and you're not coming back.

and somehow that's the only closure i can only think of. that somehow maybe we're not meant for each other. that somehow i am destined to someone better who can take care of me.

and you're right, j. you won't be happy if i still cry over you.

thank you for giving me such wonderful memories to live by and i will treasure every single moment of that. i will tell my children about you, about how you smiled after you slept for eternity.

i love you so much j. and i will be forever yours.

forever yours,

a