I Couldn't Care Less

+ Fish +

Sitting by the lake on the wharf, trying not to cry, I take a bite out of my apple and spit it into the water, making a soft splash. I keep thinking to myself, how am I going to turn myself straight if I don't know how? I'm not understanding how I can do this. It just seems so hard.

+ + +

I'm standing in the art room, drawing a sketch of a fish. He's blowing bubbles with his friends, swimming amongst the seaweed. One of the fishes' heads' is poking out from behind a rock, joining in bubble blowing. I'm all alone, nobody else in the art room.

Just as I start drawing another strip of seaweed, I feel someone come up behind me and kiss my neck roughly. I turn around, thinking it was Ben for some reason.

It's Tessa. I don't really want to see her right now, but, this could be my chance to turn straight.

"Hey." she says, letting go. "I thought you didn't like me. Why aren't you pushing me away or screaming at me?" she asks, playing with my ear. It feels good, but it doesn't feel.. right.

I sigh. "I think I might be gay." she laughs.

"So then why are you here, letting me play with you?" she says, and bites her bottom lip like she wants something anyway.

"Well," I look to the floor, "I don't exactly want to be gay." I let myself say.

"Oh," she says softly, "so.. do you like me, then?" she sits on the desk. 

I shrug. No, but if I try hard enough, maybe I can convince myself that I like her, and then maybe my mind will make me feel less gay.

"Kiss me." she says. "I'm so easy to kiss. You'll fall in love. I promise." she smirks and lets out a slight giggle. She wraps her arms around my neck and parts her lips, approaching my mouth slowly. 

I flinch and turn away, but she turns me back around, slams me on a desk, and tries to unbutton my jeans. 

"Hey!" I say, trying to get up. "Stop." she laughs and ignores me. 

"Stop." I say, pushing her away. She tries to push me down, but I manage to get out of the art room.

+ + +

I run to the library, shaking and close to tears. Out of nowhere, I run into someone. Who was it? He turned around. Ben.

"Oh, hey- woah! Hey, hey, are you okay..?" he says, sounding worried.

I go weak and rest my head on his chest. He hugs me. 

"Cody? What's wrong?" I hug him back, unable to get words out.

+ + +

We find a seat each in the library, and I tell him what had happened.

"Hey, hey." he says, comforting me. "Don't worry! At least you tried."

I whimper a bit. "But.. I don't want to be gay." I say, "so so many people are gonna hate me, and I feel so guilty and bad." I manage to say. "Also, Tessa's gonna bully me."

Ben moves closer to me, resting his hand on my thigh. 

"Hey, listen to me." he starts. "Don't worry about what anyone else thinks about you. What you should do is forget about the bad things people say. There's lots of homophobic people in the world, but hey, there's way way more supportive people." I lean in and let myself hug him.

"Thanks." I say. "I'm gonna try and be more.. happy with myself from now on." he smiles at me.

"Yeah." he says, smiling cutely, "you're gay, and you're proud."

"Exactly!"