"Beck... BECK STOP PLEASE! I.. I dont wanna die..." I scream as he takes another step towards me. Tori's lifeless body laying over me. She stopped him from stabbing me. S..she saved me.
Someone who was my enemy many years ago, who I grew to love more than life itself. S..shes gone. Next thing I know I see Beck lifting his hand up with the knife in it and starts driving it into my chest.
I wake up screaming and clenching my chest inhaling and exhaling with unbelievable speed. I'm hyperventilating. I'm having a panic attack. I cant feel my limbs, I grab my legs and bring them to my chest but something is holding them. Not in a strong way where I cant pull them out but they are still on me. I yank them away from the thing holding me and I start rocking back and forth driving my nails into my knees.
A sharp pain consumes me, my chest at first, then my head, and finally my knees. I drew blood. I set my mouth on my arm and bite back the sobs. Not realizing while biting my arm I also drew blood. I.. I need Tori... I need her help... b..but shes gone... I..I'm all alone. My best friend, my one true love... s..shes gone. I cry and hyperventilate a little louder.
I hear a small groan next to me. Oh my god... who's in my fucking bed. I just keep sobbing, digging my nails deeper into the wounds I just made and biting my arm even harder to take that pain away. I dont feel the shape next to me move, I dont hear anything, I'm just in this zone of panic, fear, anger, and anxiety. I cant think. I cant breathe obviously. I feel my legs shaking, my entire body rocking back and forth sobbing into my bloody arm.
"Jade? Baby?" I can softly hear someone say. I then feel a soft touch on my shoulder. I instantly back away. I run off the bed and into a corner assuming the same position I was just in. Rocking harder, biting and digging my nails in harder and deeper. Please make this stop. I dont wanna live like this anymore. I think to myself before i feel someone grab my arms and hold me to their chest, rubbing my back.
I.. i feel calmer. L..like I'm safe. I put my head into this person's chest and just sob. While they keep rubbing my head and down my back. Their grip getting tighter, letting me know they arent leaving me in the dust. I suddenly can smell something. Something familiar. My favorite scent. Gingerbread and cinnamon. Tori. The scent I grew to love after so many years. I open my eyes, they're foggy from the tears and low and behold I see a naked Tori holding me a rubbing my head and back. I just sob harder. Having her see me like this. I never wanted her to. She hasn't seen me cry this hard. Shes never seen me have a panic attack this bad. I..I've never had a panic attack this bad.
"Shh.. I'm here jadey.. im not going anywhere.. you're safe.." her soft yet calm voice rings in my ears, my grip tightens on her bare soft side. I can feel every breath she takes. Her scent of gingerbread and cinnamon are calming me down. She kisses my head and rocks me back and forth, pulling me into her lap. Both of our naked bodies breathing in unison. She starts to hum, while rubbing the back of my neck. She knows that's what keeps me calm.
She hasn't forgotten after all these years. Granted it hasn't been that long since we broke up, but she still remembers. Before I know it I'm completely calm. My breathing goes back to normal my heart isnt racing because of my anxiety. Its racing cuz of other things. Tori hasnt moved from her position, she just keeps rocking and humming while rubbing my neck. I slowly let my body sink into hers. My cries of anguish calm and then stop. Everything in the room stops. In this moment it's just us. Just her, calming me down. Holding me so tight I can hardly breathe but I dont care.
I need this. I need her to just hold me. Hold me with so much force I absorb into her and we become one person. I just want to feel close to her. She kisses my forehead this time and I smile. "That's my Jadey." She says softly, almost a whisper but not quite low enough. She stops rocking but still holds me just as tight. "Are you feeling better?" I nod my head lightly. "Do you wanna lay back on the bed with me?" I nod again. More vigorously this time. She picks me up and sets me carefully onto my side of the mattress. She crawls in next to me but doesnt pull me into her. She just looks into my eyes.
That look shes giving me breaks my heart. I cant speak. I cant tell her what's going on in my head. I cant tell her how to fix it and make it better. Shes looking at me like she caused this. Like this is her fault. I can see her struggling to breathe normally. At a normal pace, with a normal rythm. It breaks up into 2 short breaths. Like shes about to cry. I know this. I know her. I..I dont know what to do. I feel so guilty but I cant speak. I look down so our eyes arent meeting anymore. Then she gets up, she walks away. I start to panic again. She looks back at me with more pain in her eyes. I think to myself. Or at least I thought I said to myself. I sit up in the bed and look at her. I'm trembling. My voice is shakey and hoarse. "Tori Vega please dont you fucking leave me again dont you walk out that fucking door. Dont leave me here... D..dont leave me..."
She turns back around to look at me. "I need to pee." That's all she said and then walked into my bathroom. My room is dark, pitch black. I see a shadowy figure move and freak out. I get up and run into the bathroom. I fall down to Tori's feet. I cant look at her. I just cry.
I hear the toilet flush and she reaches over to the sink to wash her hands. She dries them off and then picks me up by the bicep. "Look at me." She says. My eyes dart everywhere but her own she grabs ahold of my face with her right, her left hand still holding my arm. "I'm not going anywhere okay. You. Are. Safe." I look at her when she says those three words the look in her eyes make me believe it. I give her a weak smile and she pulls me in for a hug. Her arms drape over my neck. Mine got under her arms, and my hands grab ahold of her shoulders. I start crying again. She just stands there and rubs my back. "I'm not going anywhere anytime soon. You're okay. Its gonna be okay Jadey." That nickname. Only she calls me that. No one else.
No one else is allowed to. She is the only one. She grabs my hand and lays me in the bed again. And not long after shes right behind me. Spooning me, holding me tighter then before. "Wanna tell me what happened?" I inhale. I turn around so were facing each other but her grip is still just as tight as before. "I had a really bad nightmare. I.. it.. uhm.." I start breathing rapidly again and a few tears run down my cheek. Her grip loosens and her hand finds my face.
She pulls my head up, shes looking at me. Although I cant seem to make out her facial expression. Her thumb wipes under my eyes and I grab her wrist. I feel safe. I feel safe with her. "We dont have to talk about it right now okay... I'm not gonna force you to." I close my eyes and rub my thumb left to right on her wrist. She kisses my head and she smiles. I can feel it, which cause me to smile. Tori Vega is my safe place. My home. My person. My everything.
"Vega?" I say. She looks at me
"really? After what amazing time we had yesterday you're gonna call me Vega..."
"that's your name? Isnt it.." she laughs.
"My last name dork." She makes me smile.
"Anyway yes Jadey Wadey." I start blushing, she can tell as my face gets hot.
"T..thank you.." She hugs me tighter. I can hear her heartbeat. Its picking up.
"What for?"
"Being my safe space..." her heart is going at around 80 miles an hour.
"Jesus baby calm down, your heart is gonna explode mi amor."
"I cant help it... look what you do to me West."
"Feel what you do to me." I say as I bring her hand to my chest. Its beating just as fast. She puts a leg in between mine and pushes against me.
"My my... still horny after doing it for 6 hours yesterday?"
"Shut up." She laughs. I do not. But I bring my face close to hers and we kiss. It's not the roaring make out session that's hot and heavy leaving a lingering in my tongue for more. But it's still just as pleasurable. Still the same fireworks bursting onto my lips every time. Still seeing stars every time my lips touch hers. Every time I touch her. Every time I hear her stupid voice. But I dont care. It's all mine.. and I'm all hers.
"I love you. More than life itself. You know that right?" She says. Her voice soft and sweet. Yet firm. I know she means it.
"You're my everything..." she says agin.
"As you are mine Vega. Forever and always." We kiss for another 5 minutes and then we slowly fall asleep, awaiting for the actual day to get started in just a few hours.
