When we all fall asleep, where do we go?

8. 8

Satisfaction.

Satisfaction was written on Callum's face while confusion was all over Mick. It made Callum kinda afraid of what he had just said.

"I love you too Callum." Mick said back but quickly after that he asked "you do?" He still looked confused. Callum couldn't tell why he was so confused.

"oh Micky of course I do!" Callum giggled, it calmed down his nervousness. Mick looked embarrassed. Well done Callum you did great job once again he thought. "Sorry it's just no one except family member has ever told me that before." Callum needed to fix this. "Hey I didn't know, it's fine."

Mick was snuggled into Callum's arms, Callum saw him smiling. God how much he loved the other boy. How safe he felt around him.

Mick quickly well asleep and Callum listened Mick's breaths.

Callum loved their relationship. He was the older one and made sure Mick felt safe all the time, but still Callum had moments where he felt loved, smaller and had chances to be submissive. Callum had chances to be the little spoon and stuff. And he loved it.

He had never felt this loved, no one else ever let him be submissive while having sex or anything. He had always been with girls and of course on those relationships he had to be the dominant one because he was a man.

Now with Mick he was comfortable being dominant and submissive. Mick let him be.

Callum couldn't sleep and Mick's body was getting extremely hot next to him. The bed was getting too soft. The room was too dark.

Callum didn't want to wake Mick up. He was sleeping so calmly. He tried to keep himself calm. Calm as possible.

Callum felt dizzy, he was tired, hungry and god knows what else. He just wanted to snuggle into Mick's arms and feel safe, but he couldn't woke Mick up. Not this time.

Then the thoughts came back.

Wouldn't it be easier to leave Mick sleep by himself, take razor blade from there where you last time hid it? Draw those thin lines again. Let them bleed. Until your legs are covered in blood.

The feeling how you're slowly diving into your empty mind, while you're bleeding all over. How you clean the floor so no one couldn't notice.

How much easier it would be to let the pain bleed away. Just couple more lines.

Just couple more, nothing else.

That's when he got up from the bed, let his little German boyfriend sleep. So peacefully.

Callum didn't cry, he rarely did. He remembers how the person who never meant to make him cry, made him cry more than ever. The night when he cried more than he ever did.

A day he didn't want to remember but didn't want to forget. The day when his best friend got into the car being full of adrenaline and never got out of it.

He remembers everything, the red flag, the radio messages, the ignorance, the first news he got. The day when something inside him left and never came back. The day when everything changed

31/08/19.

A day he didn't want to remember but a guy he remembered always and forever. Whenever he talks about him, his smile grows, a guy everyone liked.

Anthoine, the Frenchman. Full of joy, dreams and excitement. Always motivated and ready to achieve the dreams he has had ever since he drove his first karting race.

Anthoine was now racing somewhere above the clouds. He left while doing what he loved the most. He was now a guardian angel.

The community didn't only lose a driver, they lost an amazing person, a talent, a rising star, a friend.

No one cried when they talked about him, they smiled, they laughed. He left good memories. Memories everyone could laugh at.

Callum loved thinking about Anthoine, it gave him kinda feeling of a comfort. Only tears that were rolling down on his cheeks were happy tears, because he loved Anthoine.

And Anthoine wouldn't ever want to make anyone cry. He always made sure everyone smiled or laughed. They made a promise, they wouldn't ever cry over him. He didn't want that. They'll always miss him and they'll always love him.

chase your dreams now, now when it's possible and you can do it in peace. we love you Tonio.

Then Callum put down the blade, he couldn't do it. He'll get thru this. He did it for Anthoine, he didn't want Callum to get hurt, never.

He got his phone, opened his camera roll. He had an album for Anthoine. Gosh how many times he has seen all of these stupid videos. Where they were singing, joking, biking, running, swimming, karting or stuff.

He has showed these videos to all of the friends of Anthoine, to Pierre, Charles, Esteban and everyone who loved him, there was many of them.

Callum thinks how every sentence about Anthoine always starts like "do you remember when Anthoine..." It was always something good.

Callum had a warm smile on his face, he wasn't feeling dizzy or anything negative anymore. Callum handled it by himself. He couldn't be more proud of himself.

That's when he got up from the bathroom floor, quietly opened the door. Closed it. Laid his eyes on his boyfriends sleeping body. Smiled.

Got under the sheets, pulled Mick into his arms and slowly but calmly dived into deep sleep. All the good memories in his mind. All the negativity was gone far away from his mind. He was relaxed.

Callum felt something he hasn't felt in a long time, he felt like the empty feeling in his head was filled.

He knew what filled the empty feeling. After 2 years he finally admitted that Anthoine wasn't here anymore, but he never left. He was there, in everyone's heart.

he was there.

________________

a little message from me, the writer of this book!

I wanted to write a chapter for him, for Anthoine. He was a wonderful person and what happened to him left a mark into the sport. It impacted the whole community, all of the fans. It's been already almost 2 and half years, but we never forget. Losing a driver due to a crash is something that rarely happens but we have to admit that the risk is always there. No matter how safe the car is. You can't fully control the car. It's impossible.

Keep yourself safe - M<3