Winter Widow One Shots

Grief and Pain

It had been two weeks. Two weeks since he had walked out the door for the last time. He had promised her he would come home. Promised he would be back in time for Christmas. It would be perfect. Four days max was the plan. It should have been plenty of time for the mission. He had done more in less time. And then he would be home, they would celebrate together. Open gifts, see the others, eat a nice dinner, cuddle up to a Hallmark movie and fall asleep, just like they had planned. He promised.

Until one well placed bullet took down the infamous Winter Soldier.

Step one - Denial

She'd been a crumpled up mess ever since. She refused to believe it, a single bullet wasn't enough. He hadn't survived years in Russia being put on ice and taken off whenever he was needed just for a single bullet to take him out. He had gone on far riskier missions and returned untouched. He had spent weeks at a time living off the grid and come home to her with a few small scratches. He'd survived a Russian prison with the sole purpose of breaking him, survived an explosion in 1944 meant to kill him. But this? This was what took him? It wasn't fair. It just wasn't.

Every moment was pain and torture. Dozens of pictures lay scattered across the floor. She couldn't bare to look at them anymore. Christmas presents sat under the tree unopened. Gifts from him she couldn't bare to touch, knowing that wrapping them had been one of his last actions. Gifts to him she dreaded knowing he would never open. That stupid pancake grill he had reminded her of day after day. A new set of knives, perfectly weighted for him. A new coat because his favorite one had caught fire in Paris.

She hadn't eaten a proper meal in days. A piece of toast or a bowl of cereal here and there was all she could handle. The milk had long since gone bad, and the bread was running low. She would have to leave eventually but she wouldn't do that until she had no choice. She'd locked herself in. Ignored every phone call and message. She had ignored the knocks at the door. There was no reason to answer them. It was just people trying to make her feel better. But they couldn't bring him back. They couldn't change the past or fix anything. He was gone and she was alone. She had lost others, but not like this. Not ones she loved like this. Ones she had planned on forever with.

Everyone said it would get better, become easier. That time would heal her wounds. But she couldn't understand how that would possibly happen. Time hadn't healed her completely when she'd lost him in Red Room. How could time heal her now when he was dead?

She had lost him before. When the Red Room discovered the secret between them and they took him away. She could still see that moment when they burst into his room and tore her away from him. Vivid memories of Alexei telling her they had reset her 'Soldat' and he would be reassigned. Reminded her that she was promised to him, and she needed to obey or she would become just like her soldat. Even if she managed to find him he wouldn't remember her. But they left the memories for her. Left them as a punishment and a reminder of what happened when she disobeyed them. In that moment she thought he'd be gone forever, but fate had brought him back. Only to rip him away from her again. And this time for good. She had seen his body. Wept over his cold lifeless form.

Step Two - Anger

The bullet had hit him in the forehead. An immediate kill. James would have felt no pain. At least she could take solace in that. But she felt so much pain. She had taken her fair share of hits in her life, but none of them compared to the pain she felt now. A deep gut wrenching pain. One that even if she healed would still bring numb feelings.

It wasn't like the waves of pain others spoke of. This was never ending, a drowning feeling. Anytime she closed her eyes she was reliving that last goodbye. The last kiss as he stepped out the door, bag in hand.