Winter Widow One Shots

Not Like This

He had always imagined her coming down the aisle. A white dress, pinned curls, her classic widow bites still strapped around her wrists. "Just in case" she would claim. A bouquet of greenery. She'd never been a big flower person. Maybe a pop of red to accent her hair, but she'd keep it simple. A light melody as she stepped closer to him.

Clint had always been the one walking her down the aisle in those daydreams. He did so now. Along with Steve, Sam, Bruce, Thor, and Tony.  Three along each side of the dark casket, with heads hung low, stepping together to keep it balanced. Deep red roses sat on top, if one looked close they could see an hour glass shape created by the fragrent blooms. 

James sat alone at the front of the chapel, eyes low as they moved down the aisle. The organ played a low tune, perfectly encapsulating the feeling of James' heart in its notes.

Slowly the men lowered the casket onto the stand in the front of the room. Steve sat beside him as Clint moved to speak at the podium. James focused on his breathing, in and out, in and out. Repeat the process. It was all he could do. He couldn't listen to the words Clint spoke. He couldn't look at the faces around him. He couldn't look at the dark wood that she now lay in.

Steve placed a hand on his back and James closed his eyes biting down on his lips hard. His breathing slowly became shaky, unable to hold back the emotions. Steve sighed and tried to offer more comfort but it didn't help. Just reminded him why he needed comfort in the first place. His training hadn't been enough to prepare him for this. Everything he had gone through and it wasn't enough.

The only person who understood him, who he wanted to be with, who he loved completely was gone because of him. Ha hadn't been there to cover her. He'd been the reason the bullet hit her. He'd never forgive himself.

"... Natasha was one of the strongest women I have ever known, and I will be forever grateful for the opportunity to know her, and to work beside her. I am also grateful to know that my kids were able to grow up with her as an aunt and will forever have her and her legacy to look up to. The Avengers will be different now. We will always be missing a piece of us..."

Missing because of him. A series of mistakes that lead to her death. Each one traced back to him. A distraction, choosing to follow the wrong target. And then the shot that rocked his world.  Nothing mattered. He dropped everything and ran. The target didn't mattered after that, the mission was pointless once that bullet hit her chest. But he was too late.

If he closed his eyes he could still see the thick blood covering his hands and pooling on the floor around them as he pressed against the wound to stop the bleeding. Begging her to be okay.

"Please Natalia. Please, don't go. Don't you dare do this to me. Natalia you can't - I won't let you."

He leaned his forehead against hers, tears streaming down his face. She coughed and her hand reached up to touch his cheek. Her finger tips barely touched his cheek before they fell away and bounced on the ground, blood splashing around them. Her breathing slowed and his heart broke piece by piece.

"I love you soldat." The soft whisper almost unheard.

"Please.... Natalia please. I need you to stay. Please don't go. I'm not ready. I love you."

He pulled her body into his chest and all control was lost as the S.H.I.E.L.D. Agents rushed the building. He gripped her tightly refusing to let go even after the last breath left her lips. He clung to her begging for it to be a dream. Begging to wake up and find her next to him, breathing.

But now he sat in front of dozens all mourning her. It was no dream. It was reality. She was gone.  What he wouldn't give to go back in time, to change his actions. To follow the right target. He'd been granted a moment alone before the service began. A moment to study the perfect red curls framing her face. To memorize the lips he'd never touch again. The hands he'd never hold again. 

"I wanted to ask you. I-I bought the ring you liked. I planned it. A night at the ballet. Your favorite seats. Then dinner at that French place you fell in love with. And a walk home. That's when I was going to ask. I was going to do it. I shouldn't have waited."

He held the silver band between his index finger and thumb, staring at it. She'd walked past it at the jeweler so many times and each time commented on how perfect it was. He had been so excited to buy it. So excited to put it on her finger.

Gently he lifted her cold hand and placed the ring under her palm. He let his hand linger before he leaned down to kiss her forehead. "Forever Natalia. I was ready to give you forever."

Forever had been only two days. Not even two days engaged. Just two days knowing he was going to ask. Now he'd have forever alone to remember his mistake. He would no longer hear her tell him to clean up his boots, or wash his clothes. No more telling him to take a shower before climbing into bed after a long mission. Nor would she be there to welcome him home. He would come back to a cold empty apartment from here on out.

"I love you."

He had been too dazed to realize that Steve had since concluded his condolences. The blonde and the other five men took their places along side the casket, picking it up and taking it to the hearse parked outside. The rest of the congregation stood, waiting for the close friends and family to leave first. James remained seated. The longer he sat the longer she remained above ground. 

She'd be buried in the Brooklyn cemetery near his mother and sister. A place he would now be frequenting all too often. But now it would be alone. With out her by his side. Now he would stand in front of her final resting place in an effort to find peace within himself. Peace he wasn't sure he could ever find.