(BL) What If I Love You?

Chapter 4

Rock-paper-scissors sent me to sleep on the couch in the living room, and Mark got the bedroom. I remember that as a child I often fell asleep near the fireplace on this couch. It was warm here, and the crackling of the fire soothed me. Only I was smaller... Now the couch seems terribly uncomfortable. I toss and turn until I hear Mark's annoyed voice from the bedroom.

"Stop creaking like a geezer!"

Yeah, the couch creaks every time I change position, which happens about 30 times in a couple of minutes.

"You try to sleep here!" I snap.

And Mark tried, it only lasted ten minutes. In the end, he went back to the bedroom, where I just got comfortable.

"Move over," Mark points to the other side of the bed. And I reluctantly move to free some space. Mark lies down.

"Reminds me of the past," Mark breathes out.

"What do you mean?"

"Don't you remember? Those two years when you did not speak, I had to sleep in your room, otherwise you would not sleep at all. You could sit all night looking at the wall. When I lay down next to you, you immediately fell asleep, but as soon as I got up, you woke up. I gave up and got used to sleep on a narrow strip of the bed, without changing position."

"Now I would have fallen asleep perfectly without you." I mutter and hide under the blanket.

"Yeah..." says Mark thoughtfully. "You are all grown-up now."

In the middle of the night I wake up, the moon is shining right in my face. I get up to close the curtains, but I stop to look out the window. Above us the dark blue sky like a sea strewn with stars. In the city it was impossible to see such bright stars, but here it seems that the house is sinking in a shining abyss. I don't close the curtain, I like the way the moonlight pours into the room, like a river of milk. Mark fidgets on the pillow, but doesn't wake up. I look at him in the light of the moon.

I wonder what it is like... to be with him?.. This Ian... knows. They do it, right? And they kiss each other... Everything is like in a normal relationship (which I have never had).

I lie back on the bed with my face exposed to the moonlight. And suddenly a picture pops up in my mind. I see that I kiss Mark.

I'm instantly thrown into a fever. I can't stop my thoughts. They lead on feelings, so confused and scattered. There are so many of them that it seems to me that I would drown in them. My breathing becomes unnaturally hot and shallow, my heart quickens.

I am aroused as I've never been before. I am ready to climb the wall from a sudden and such strong desire. All my senses sharpened. I can feel Mark's breath behind me.

I keep my hands over the blanket, but I can't lie still. I try to think of something else, honestly... But all I see is pictures of where I am with Mark. I have to get up, go somewhere...

"Ray, are you ok?" Mark's sleepy voice made me numb. At first I decided to pretend to be asleep, but my breathing was still too fast. "Ray? What happened?"

"Nothing." I barely utter with my disobedient tongue. "Get back to sleep. Sorry to wake you up."

Mark props himself up on one elbow and takes me by the shoulder. It would be better if he didn't do it. The distance between us has become too small.

"You are all wet! Do you have a fever?" Mark's voice sounds really worried.

"No, no! I'm fine, it's just hot." I try to turn away and fold in half.