(BL) What If I Love You?

Chapter 5

At the party everyone drinks, so I keep up. There are many guys from my college here, all ruddy and cheerful. I can't understand what prevents me from joining the general fun.

I've had a couple of large glasses of beer and now I'm on my way to grab a third one. I go to the back room, where a few guys play billiards. I sit on the sofa in the corner and look into my glass of beer.

Well... I turned into a lyrical hero pretty quickly. I never wanted to be the one who feels lonely at a party. I'm not like that. Right? I can be fun! Maybe today I'm just in a mood?..

I take a swig, a girl flops down next to me on the sofa (just like that!), and the beer from my glass ends up on my pants. The girl is quite drunk, she is very amused by what happened, so she falls back and laughs. I want to get up and leave, but she grabs my sleeve and conspiratorially whispers:

"Stop! You must not leave your post, private!"

I'm sick of sad me. I decide to accept the rules of her silly game and sit back down.

"What will be the orders, my captain?" I whisper back to her.

She smiles happily.

"Psst, we need to capture the enemy keg! Deliver it to a secluded place. And... don't get caught!" She laughs again. Maybe she acts silly, but she's genuinely happy and having a good time. I even envy her. Maybe I drank to little?

"Yes, sir... ma'am!" I stretch myself into a string and salute her. I needed to drink more for sure...

We crawl to the kegs of beer on the table, under the bewildered glances of those around us.

"Captain, I think the mission is failed," I say, noticing the sidelong glances.

"Do not falter, private!" She screams, jumping to her feet. I did not expect such agility from her. She grabs the keg and runs in the opposite direction, I can only run after her. She stops in an alley and sits right on the curb, placing the winning trophy in front of her. She has a short layered skirt and platform shoes. She is pretty cute. And her thin legs and pointy knees look sweet. She hands me the hose from the keg. I shrug and take a few big sips.

"Eh... We should have grabbed the provisions," she sighs and sips the beer. I pull out two large bags of salted pretzels from under my jacket, she smiles contentedly.

"I'm proud of you, private!"

We are sitting on the sidewalk, the air is quite frosty, but I don't care. Alyssa, my captain, tells her funny stories, and I tell her mine. Not so funny, of course... But she laughs. Praise the alcohol!

Finally shivering from cold and staggering from alcohol, I propose to accompany her home. But Alyssa is no mood to end the party. For some reason, the idea of ??going to my place seems incredibly cool to us, so we get to the apartment.

Alyssa loves the pictures on the walls. I have long ceased to notice them. Mark drew them a long time ago.

Then I take her to my room. She kicks off her shoes and hops onto the bed.

"It's kind of cold here alone," she says and looks at me with half closed eyes. She licks her lips and offers me a hand. I pause to think about it, but my thoughts are blur. I take her hand. She pulls me towards her. The distance between us is rapidly closing. I can already feel her breath on my skin, the warmth of her body, I see her lips open.

The moon looks slyly through the window, and I understand that I can't... I cannot overcome these few millimeters. And I stop. But Alyssa goes all the way and presses her lips against mine, her tongue brushes my lips and slides inside. Her lips are soft and gentle, but her kiss is passionate and hot. But something isn't right for me... I pull back, breaking the kiss.

"I need to... take a piss, urgently." I free myself from her hands and literally run into the bathroom. I lock the door and turn on the water.

My thoughts are like a rippling sea. I need to stop them, but I can't.

I was checking her out, was I? Alyssa - her thin long legs, waist, chest, face, lips. I wanted... I wanted at first. Why, when she was almost in my hands, did I run away? Maybe it's just because I'm a virgin? Well, I got nervous and...?

Damn memory ...

When I was with Mark, I did not feel that way. There was no fear or doubt... Well... they were... but different.

I spray my head with a stream of cold water, it sobers me up slightly. I decide to go back to the room and finish what I started with Alyssa. I have to break this barrier.

I find her on my bed, but she is already asleep. I don't wake her up, I just gaze intently at her face. Her mouth is open, but I don't feel a desire to kiss her.

But I kissed her! I'm fine! Everything is fine with me!

...

Who am I trying to fool?..

Technically she kissed me. And I froze. And I didn't feel anything... I might as well have kissed a tomato.

I cover Alyssa with a blanket and lie down on the floor. I don't want to think, and the moonlight puts me to sleep.

It's one thing when your morning starts with a headache. But it is completely different when it starts with someone stepping on your head and then follows a heart-rending squeal... This is a c-c-combo and fatality.

Alyssa reminds me of Cinderella, who did not have time to get out of the carriage before it turned into a pumpkin. Disheveled, sleepy, she looks at me with fright and desperately tries to remember at least something. I wish I could change places with her... I would like to forget about many things...

"Where is the bathroom?" Alyssa asks.

"At the end of the corridor."

Alyssa steps over me and walks out. I try not to think about yesterday. Come on, headache, do your thing! But no, I keep returning to what happened.

Some strange noise and voices distract me and make me scramble to my feet. I go out into the corridor and see that Alyssa is standing in the bathroom doorway, and surprised Mark is looking at her.

No, no, no... This can't be!

In Mark's amazed eyes, I read not what I want to read. I don't know what to say or how.

"I thought you would come only tomorrow!"

Why, of all possible phrases on Earth, I say exactly this and assure Mark of his suspicions. Alyssa watches both of us in surprise.

"I needed to get back earlier. I need to replace a colleague on a business trip. I'll just change and grab some things. I didn't know that you..."

"I what?!" I explode and stomp into my room.

Damn!

Mark leaves in ten minutes, Alyssa after him. And I remain sitting on the floor in the room. In the pocket of my jacket, I still have Ian's note. I didn't tell Mark about it either... There was no point in that. Mark would have still flown away, he would not have sorted things out. I will give it back when he returns...

But deep inside I think that I won't.

Perhaps it will be too late then.

And inside, I hope it will be too late.

But why do I need it?

Do I know what I want?..