(BL) What If I Love You?

Chapter 7

The moonlight wakes me up. It's so bright that it dazzles the eyes. For a few seconds I can't figure out where I am. I lie in the bed that stands by the window and it looks like I'm taking moon bath.

But soon enough I realize that I'm in a hospital ward. What the hell has happened?...

I turn my head and see Mark sleeping on the narrow couch. His head rests on a bent arm.

Oh no... I made him worry again. I'm still the same awkward teenager who needs to be coddled.

I'm ready to run away in this hospital gown so that I don't have to make eye contact with Mark. Unfortunately, my thoughts are too loud and Mark wakes up.

I should have closed my eyes, pretending to be asleep, but I didn't have time.

No, not like that... I don't want to close my eyes. I want to see the way he's looking at me. I want to see every emotion in his gray eyes, his worry. In his glance I see he cares about me. And the hunger in my soul subsides a little.

We are silent. For several minutes, the watch calmly pushes the hand forward.

"Do you need anything?" Mark asks in a dull voice. I have not prepared an answer to this question. For any question, to be honest. I don't even know why I'm here... My throat is still sore, but I don't have a fever.

"Water... just water," I finally reply. Mark pours water into a glass from a cooler.

And again we leave time for the clock. In this silence, I understand that Mark is angry with me, but he can't say it. And that makes us similar. There is too much we can't say to each other. Why has everything changed so dramatically?..

"You need to go home." I break the silence. "Go get some rest, sleep..."
"With Ian" almost bursts out of me.

"No, I'll stay here. We'll leave in the morning,"he says. His voice, though tired, is firm. And I can't take it. The words are gurgling in the depth of my throat, rising like water, ready to spill out.

"I was not expelled from the dorm." I suddenly say. I am not waiting for an answer from Mark, but continue to speak, setting up a confessional from this hospital ward. I decided to go all-in, I want to break this wall of silence between us. "Those notes from Ian... I took them... not on purpose... I mean... I just did not have time to give them to you... But... truth is... I didn't want to."

I can't say that it becomes easier for me, but for some reason I have a feeling that I am doing something right.

"And I can't stop thinking about what we did the other night. And I..." I grit my teeth, these words are the most difficult to say. "I'm madly jealous because of this damn Ian."

I can't stop now. It will be good if I can hold back tears. I turn to Mark and see his surprised face, which, however, has not softened.

"You are all I have," I say. "You are my only family, but I feel like I'm about to lose you. And I don't know what to do. With this. With myself! I can't become an adult in five minutes! Maybe Ian is the best you deserve, not a jerk like me. But I can't..."

"This is why you tried to kill yourself?" Mark interrupts me.

"I... What?" Puzzled I stare at Mark.

"I found you unconscious with pills around." His voice breaks and Mark averts his gaze.

"I... I had a fever and I took pills... but I didn't try to kill myself." I wait 'till Mark looks at me again. "I promise. I would never do that to you."

Mark exhales and comes closer. He reaches out his hand, but he never touches me. His palm rests on the rail of the bed.

"Listen to me, Ray."

I struggle desperately with the lump in my throat. Mark continues.

"When your parents died and your brother asked me to become your guardian, I felt where all this was going. And when it happened, I myself was a brat." Mark looks away as if he wants to skip something in this story. "You were a schoolboy then, I thought I felt sorry for you... responsibility for your life. But as time went on, nothing changed in me. No, I'm lying. It changed and grew. But I couldn't say or do anything. I promised myself that I would not tell you anything until you come of age. But, as you can see, I didn't do it very well." He paused. "When you left for college, I decided it might not be worth saying anything and I needed to leave these thoughts in the past. But..." Mark hesitates again. "When you have loved someone for so long... I... should not have done it. I made you feel confused..."

"I'm not confused!" I protest hotly though it's a lie.

I look Mark in the face, can't look away. His words turn everything upside down inside me. It's like I'm about to fall into the abyss, but I don't know if this is good or bad.

"What about Ian then?" I finally ask.

Mark looks me in the eye and answers after a few seconds.

"Ian knows everything. It was hard for me to carry it alone. You can say that I trusted the first stranger I met, and he turned out to be surprisingly understanding... But his patience is also running thin."

"You love him?"

I have already asked this question once. And I can see from Mark's face that he also asked himself more than once. He is silent, but I need his answer.

"Mark, do you love him or me?"

Now I can imagine how Ian felt... And I deserve it. I know I deserve it. And when Ian appears at the door, I know I deserve that too.

"Mark, let's go, I'll take you home." Ian throws an unkind look at me. Mark turns to him.

"I'll go in the morning."

I again, with a strange joy, fall into the abyss.

"You have an important meeting in the morning and it's a due date for your project. You forgot?" Ian persists.

Naturally, I am not aware that Mark had some important project. And Ian knows. He takes care of him. I... I can't even take care of myself.

Perhaps for the first time in my life, I say something that I do not want, but what I have to.

"Mark, go home." I make my voice firm. "I'll take a taxi in the morning. And I promise not to do anything stupid anymore."

Ian's eyes don't get any kinder, Mark looks at me for a couple of seconds and nods. They leave together, I am left alone

Mark didn't give me a clear answer. It haunts me, but it gives me hope - vague, distant, completely sleep-depriving.